So guess what?! Apparently, I wasn't dumped. Today Georg sent me a text message like everything was alright on his side. Well, in a way, it was good to be given some sign. It wasn't overly emotional but at least some response. So we'll be seeing each other again as soon as his holidays are over. The thing is: I'm clearly relieved and once again I was majorly proven wrong. All that crap going on in my mind - it was totally for naught. But what was I supposed to make of it? Being told that the other guy needs "his time" ... we've all heard that before. In the meantime I've kind of come to terms with the situation, did my grieving and being pissed. And now this? U-turn, hello! Anyway, the shocking thing is that I do not really know if I want to continue this thing between him and me. I mean, the damage is done and I don't know how he wants to make up for being an egotistical moron. I'm hurt, buddy. See to it that I can finally put some trust in you. Here's what I'm gonna do. After his holidays we are going to sit down, have pizza & beer and guess what ... talk for a change. We should've done that a long time ago. I can hardly believe that he hasn't realized yet that I am a person that needs to be talked to a lot. Otherwise I feel neglected easily. Stupid, but that's just the way it is. We need to talk about the trust-thing and his pot experiments. Because in the beginning I didn't object to that, pretending to be all cool with it. But in the long haul it's gonna be a problem. And I'm concerned about him. I don't want his soul to crumble. And I am convinced that even "just pot" ... I mean, it wrecks you, tears down your emotional abilities. Seen too many people going down that track and I refuse to watch him go down the same track. I guess, a part of me wants to deepen our thing, relationship whatever. The other part is skeptical and there's no point in denying that. And here's the most important part of it all: I need him to throw me a gesture. I don't have any preconceived notions of what this gesture should be all about, but I long for a commitment on his part. A true commitment, not something that can be said on the phone or be put in a text message. I mean, of course, I feel that he feels for me, too. But how about letting me know? Sure enough, not everything needs to be voiced and uttered. In fact, too much fussing about verbally is mostly some sort of a hideout anyway. But there comes a point where things need to be expressed. And I really want to define him and me. It's time for that. And it's either that or dead end.

So much for Georg. And now you'll hate me. I agreed to date someone. The lightworker. I mean, we've been chatting for a loooong time now and I have always been wondering when exactly is that guy asking me out for a date. He never did. Till yesterday. Of course, he said he's got no intention whatsoever. But of course he needs to get to know me in the flash. Just coffee. Just beer. Whatever. He even said I've got this special extra-thing-stuff-whatnot. And these are his words not mine. His latest pic is amazing. Couldn't stop looking at it. And he's interesting character-wise as well. He leads seminars like on a regular basis, about motivating other people but not in a business-crap-sense; it sounds more like a maturity-personality-issue. And he got this really strong connection with nature and all. And I really do think that after all the crap that Georg pulled off I can do this. I can meet the lightworker. No guilty conscience. Just get to know him in a neutral environment. Talk like maybe on a bench at Stadtpark and that's it. I'm not betraying anyone. But this is one of those guys that I need to see just for the sake of curiosity.

General stuff. Well, I've got this gigantic toothache right now and I'm totally drugged. But I really made some headway concerning my play. Been jotting down notes as of late. I even wrote the first outline which really made the plot and the characters a little more tangible. I think it's feasible. I can pull it off. Today I had this terrific idea for the ending. Another additional idea to make the ending logical - and shocking. Oh, it's gonna be great. Nobody's gonna see it coming. It'll be such a freak-show but ultimately it's going to be a play about love at its core. There's going to be a lot of societal and emotional scum but, in the end, what rules is love. As corny as it may sound. Love is never outdated in literature, much less in life ...