I haven't the foggiest why - after one and a half year - it came to my mind to re-visit this blog. I have never given any thought anymore to this blog. But still, here I am: Bachelor of Arts, 30 years of age, still in Graz, and not an effin' inch wiser :)

Just read a few of the last entries of early 2009. Cheezuz, the events seem so far away it actually verges on the ridiculous, like 'Did this really happen to me?' or like 'What a lame-ass cry-baby have I been?' On the other hand, that was a part of me, a part that still is me. Some of the perspectives might have changed, there were plenty of people inhabiting my life in between, and, most certainly, a hell of a lot of courses at university passed by. In a way, it's fascinating to read stuff with so much hindsight. It's like a person you stumbled on in the street wrote this, or told you about it. Yet, my entries still trigger shadow-emotions, meaning I can still relate a lot to it, but also laugh about it a great deal. The wisdom of hindsight at work, I guess.

Anyway, to stick to the tradition: I've met someone new. Don't wanna give away too much already, but one thing's for certain: I haven't met that many interesting folks since my last entry - I'm talking romantic-interesting, btw. Now this guy ... well, I feel attracted to him. He is actually very damn close to expectations as regards outward appearance - yes, that's my complicated, sort of rational way to put it. In short, he is ridiculously handsome and doesn't know about it. Something about his face makes me wanna hug him, cuddle up, and be all childish and child-like. There are not that many faces which trigger such a reaction on my part, but he of all people does trigger emotions like these. I wanna touch his face like all of the time. It's really hard sitting opposite him and not touch his face. Seriously. It's that kind of face. You wanna touch it, stroke it, grope for his beard, get his glasses right, search in his eyes, and kiss him on the cheek, innocently. On the other hand, however, he also triggers this Mother-Tereza-complex, meaning he radiates with some quality that begs for help. Something - and I've got no idea whatsoever what it is - is desperate about him. He appears like really hurt and in pain. I've got my theories as to what constitutes this pain, given that he told me bits and pieces of his background story ... still, I know I don't have the right to interpret. But, let's be frank here, people feel when something's not right - and something is certainly not right about him. And here's the really crazy part: I want to know what it is that is not right. I want to help him become whole again. I'm that kind of crazy person who always falls for adorable and pained. It's the combo I can't help but fall for. Handsome alone is boring. Handsome and sort of f*cked-up - Bingo! And I don't think his pain derives from being dumped recently. That's part of it, but there's way more to it. Getting down to brass tacks, I suppose he is depressed ... and that illicits a range of memories I thought were really just that: a thing of the past. He has this air about him which totally reminds me of Thomas, in a creepy déjà-vu way. There is so much about this new guy which is similar to Thomas. Can you actually meet someone twice though he is no longer alive while you are? Meaning, this is not a transcendental shop-worn thing. I actually have a very strong gut feeling that this is Thomas 2.0.

Either way, I have this urge to tear down this wall surrounding the new guy and find out what is behind. Maybe other people's concept of love really doesn't apply to me. Surprise, surprise. I shouldn't feel this urge to play counsellor, but still here I am on the phone with him like every friggin' day for almost an hour - even though he is really quiet and introverted. It's crazy. I don't know what to do. I should probably steer clear of him and look for someone more of my age and more healthy. But then again I'm glued already. He's on my mind way too much already. The funny part is: after 30 years of mostly romantic disappointments, to put it mildly, I still can't get rid of this idealistic notion of finding the one guy who stays for the rest of whatever time there is left. I can't get rid of this feeling that Thomas 2.0 could be this very guy. And that's a beautiful notion and hope and imagination, right? Damn right it is.

I'm so glad to be gay. I really have to make a statement here (if only for lack of a better topic *gg*). Women can be soooo tremendously strenuous. It is unbelievable. With some of them, I am under the strong impression they'd rather die than stop talking endlessly. An example? I'm living with a woman who does nothing but talk, talk, talk all day long. And if there's nobody available she talks on the phone. Constantly. I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. She gets home from work and all she does is trample through the appartment with her headset on ... gosh, this fake-laughter and hysterious giggling, that constant rattling and rabbiting about what?! - it makes me kinda mysogenic. I mean, what is there to talk about? Being drunk on the weekend? Having bought this stupid dress? Seeing that bargain in the shop window? Cheeeezuz, get real for God's sake ...

I don't understand women. Most importantly, they don't get it that we men do not feel the same urge to constantly bla, bla, bla. And no, this is not spreading stereotypes. With her, it's as true as true gets. What is worse, she needs attention 24/7 and there's always music booming in all our rooms - even if she's not here at all. Some people just go out of their way in order to cover the silence. It seems as though for some silence is something that has to be fought and warded off. How pathetic. Silence is beautiful, mostly. But she doesn't stand being alone, being silent, with with her own self. Basically, I don't care, it wouldn't annoy me, but it gets irritating because she spreads this mood of being out of balance everywhere in the appartment. She always needs party and buzz and plenty of BS to talk about. Point is, I'd probably go nuts or run amok being with such a woman, relationship-wise. So, I know there are guys out there who are equally disgenuine and out of sorts but mostly this applies to women. So thank God, I'm gay. Thank God I'm so not like her!

It's funny how relaxed I feel once again. Retreating from people every once in while makes you maybe a tid asocial but it helps regenerate. That's how Simon put it - and I fully agree. So after a rather strenuous time feeling like a robot programmed to learn, and learn, and learn ... I took a short break. Five exams this week, most of them were pretty easy I'd say. The heavy one on Friday was not that heavy after all either. But hell, I've been learning for that exam like for three weeks. Guess, it paid off pretty well. Afterwards I felt like jumping around out of joy. I hit town, bought some clothes and hung out again at the English Bookshop, something that I haven't done in ages. Oh, that was so fantastic. I love it. I ended up having like five books in my hand but eventually decided to be realistic, so I bought "The Waves" from Virginia Woolf. So much for "realistic." I wish uni would provide me with more time to read stuff of my own accord. Stuff I really want to read, not stuff I have to read. Anyway. Friday was so relaxed. I love Virginia. God bless her. She was such a genius. Definitely my favourite female writer of all times. After all, I realize the enormous contribution to Modern Literature that she accomplished.

Aaron also called. I asked him out for the movies but on Friday his father came back home from Tel Aviv so we postponed the movies till next Thursday. I was actually surprised that he felt so eager to offer an alternative. For the first time he told me about his novel, which is something that apparently means a great deal to him. So he hardly ever talks about it. And I get him, it kind of disvalues your writing, talking too much about it. Just like I say "Don't talk about work in progress, it takes away some of the spirit." *gg* The phone call was fun, I was like so out of my mind and it seemed to have caught upon Aaron. I love him. Come what may. I love him. By the way, it's Ludovico again that I'm currently listening to. Oltremare - what else could it be?! *gg*

Yesterday's Worst of the 90ies was just what the doctor ordered. I was like so looking forward to that, feeling like a human being again, doing silly, childish stuff. Beforehand, Simon came over and we went to Tobi's place, then took a cab altogether and waited like for half an hour to even get inside the Postgarage. Never saw a place so crowded but it was fun, fun, fun. Again, dancing it up. Maren and her girls were pretty funny as well. Then Mr. L came over. He is sweet. A decent guy taking care of me pretty much. We made out on the dance floor not giving a shit about people watching us or not. He slept over. I really enjoyed having him by my side. After all, this huge bed of mine is really destined to house two people.

And now I should get back to learning. Still, two more exams. But I don't mind. I feel sorta revitalized and look forward to getting over the last two exams, too. And I look forward to hitting Linz again, which I will do as soon as I'm done here in Graz. Linz here I come!

"The face of you
My substitute for love
Should I wait for you?
My substitute for love."

Forgive me for quoting a Madonna song but this one is actually bjutiful (!) - Drowned World / Substitute For Love.

These days a dichotomy (new entry in the system of cool words) seems to be going on within my soul. The mere thought of Georg actually renders my soul black, pitch-black. The thought of Aaron makes the sun shine out of my bottom :) like pathetical rays of light bursting out ... he's been chatting me up again and it was really cute. Then I sent him "sche elohim jewarech otcha" which obviously struck a chord. He even called twice leaving this sweet message on the phone where he talked English and then told me "God, bless you, too" and said thank you like for a hundred times. I have it recorded, this fit of laughter in between before he said it. Such a nice laughter, like a little boy in school. That's what he reminds me of kinda. I was too afraid to answer the phone - stupid me but that's the way it is. The next day he chatted me up again and we talked English all the time, joking about Jesus and Hebrew stuff. I really seemed to entertain him because, again, he said that I'm the most bjutiful (love the writing) human being he has ever met and that he really loves me for my contradictions (which I don't have, of course *gg*). Now I'm somewhat intimidated, not knowing how to react. I would take a cab in the middle of the night and pay him a visit just to tell him that he is one of the most bjutiful human beings that ever entered my tiny world, too.

Right now, he mostly helps his brother moving to another place and in between he writes this novel of his. I really wonder what it is that he conjures up by writing it. I would pay huge amounts of money to get a glimpse of it. I have no sense at all of what is going on - and if there is something at all going on between the two of us ... but he still is what I'd love in a person, a friend. On the other hand, he said it himself "Some moments have their time." Then again, maybe, we can really be friends. I was on the verge of asking him out for a beer but I won't do that. I do not at all want to arouse any thought on his part that would burst the scheme. I would be a happy man to have someone like him as a friend. In 28 years he is one of the very, very rare people that I would actually feel priviliged to be friends with. Not one of the guys that force themselves onto me, like ... you're so great, can we be friends? He is so different. He is so full of everything, basically. He is rich on the inside which totally attracts me. I have this images on my mind, the two of us sitting in front of Parkhouse, around the pond. It is spring or summer. It's just him and me, bottles of beer, inspirational conversation, plenty of folks everywhere and this special sensation of a world that has no boundaries. I associate so much with Aaron. Maybe I shouldn't do that, but I really can't help it. Maybe there is a grain of chance, maybe not. Anyway, what overwhelms me is what Aaron represents for me. Maybe I don't necessarily long for him but the image that he represents. Whatever may come of it, now I have a rough notion of what I long for in a person. I really do. Never had that before. Never.

Pace is the trick! Thank God there's you in the world, Aaron!!



"Now I find
I've changed my mind
This is my religion."

I really have to vent some frustrations. Right now, at the very moment of speaking, there's Andi's party going on - and I can't go. Why? Cause he's there. He, the fucking asshole. Oh, how I hate this. I really refused to hate him but now I do. I'm done refusing to what is inside me. I never planned on harbouring such a grudge but I'm sick of pretending that WE are fine. We are not. I hate him for preventing me to go to that party. Andi's gonna be in Zagreb as of next week, so he's saying farewell. I'd love to be there but on account of that loser-lamo-jerko I am stuck in my room boiling and fuming, really.

I haven't been thinking about him for the last coupla weeks, or at least on a surprisingly low level. But now it seems like it's all bursting out of me. He, the reckless, cold-hearted, drug-addicted no-good bastard. I hate him for moving on, pretending that nothing ever happened, pretending that WE never happened. This is probably what bothers me the most, that he pretends to have forgotten the last half a year. Of course, he has not, but his acting as if ... I could punch his face. What would be so wrong in admitting that I left something? Our breaking up is not so bad. Stranger things have happened. But his act, and it really is an act from top to bottom ... that makes me hate him and all those of his kind. Those superficial morons strolling through life without nothing ever touching them, acting cool so nobody can hurt them - well, this is basically the most certain way to lead a dull and meaningless life, because after 80 years or so, what do those guys think about their lives in retrospect: I never really bonded with anything or anyone but at least I kept a straight face and nothing ever got to me? Well, that is pathologic. That is sick, nothing short of. Good luck to the counsellors. I don't know why this upsets me so much on this very day. It doesn't make sense ... and he thinks, he is really convinced that some time soon we will be friends ... no chance in hell! I don't even want you as dirt under my fingernails cause that would still be a privilege for you and an insult to dirt per se. I know this sounds really hateful but it is my way of venting the grudge. Ideally, I should tell him all those things to the face but he wouldn't be able to make any sense of it, so what's the use?

Most of the time, I was like "what's wrong with me?" I think, that's the biggest crime he committed, making me feel as if something were wrong with me. Nothing's wrong with me, or at least nothing that wouldn't be within the scope. Of course, I know that right now as I knew it before, but it makes me wonder why I even doubted myself at the time. I really wish that he would fall in love deeply and then get treated the way he treated me. That would be fair, but life doesn't offer any poetic justice, mostly. But it would make sense. I'd love to hear his heart crack, the sound of it would please me a great deal. On the other hand, as instable as he is, he would probably commit something very awkward, so I'm not drawing any negative Karma onto me by wishing him something bad. Fact is, he is punished enough. He's been dealt a lot of foul cards, anyway. There's no need for me to pay him back. There's other instances dealing with that, and they're at work anyway. Maybe, it's just important for me to just put that down and out of my system for once. This is really therapeutic bullshit but this is who I am. As Rita said coupla months ago ... I may be able to take more shit than other people, but I'm also dealing in a way slower fashion. She's right. And another thing, people tell me to let go of the issue, it's about high time ... well, I'm so sick and tired of having teenies give me advice, people who consult teenie magazines in order to come up with some philosophy as how to lead a satisfactory life, people who basically know shit about anything, people who are still waiting for their first pubic hair and whatnot ... dudes, I don't want this to sound arrogant, but: I am 28 years old and I am - like it or not - a tid more experienced, not much, but a little bit, it's just nature's course that the more you see about the world, the more you know ... so stop dragging me down to a 20-year-old-level. I've been there, done that ... and don't compare any of my business with yours ... it IS different, irregardless of how it might sound to any of you. The only person who can know how it feels ... is me. Period. I guess, Andi Puschnig was right months ago ... asking me what is was that I liked about "him." He already saw it coming last fall that "he" and I wouldn't fit shit together, that he'd be too weak anyway. Even my Mum asked what it was exactly that attracted me towards "him." I just thought that for once in my life I would not deny someone just because he appears to be so different than I am. I really wanted to have a go at it and see where it leads ... well, it leads to me being totally livid right now. He is the first guy I really don't wanna be friends with "after." I don't. It's a first, because with other guys it's been better, way better on a friends-level. But with him, it's a world of difference. I'd love to do what Jim Carey did in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I'd love to have my memories erased so that I am back in a time where I never got to meet this pathetic waste of ... whateva.

So now that this is off my plate, I can go back to being normal :) sorry, but that was about as necessary as it takes air to breathe ...

Just ethics today, then learning - all day long with the regular breaks in Nina's room, smoking and chatting time away. Today I even enrolled for the Fachprüfung in Linguistics, damn. I just seem to be somewhat exam-crazy as of late :)

Nina just said, get Aaron rid of his anxiety of ... haha, as if it were that easy. How am I supposed to go about that? I don't know him that well, I'm just having pieces of glimpses of impressions, fraction-like somethings ... and I don't wanna bargain someone into feeling for me. Such things never work, neither for me nor for anyone, for that matter. She meant sometimes the end justifies the means. No! Not as far as people are concerned. He likes me, and probably a tid more but he made a decision to not pursue what's behind the curtain. And I made my own decision, and that is: accept his decision. Period.

On the other hand, I keep thinking about him. Not regularily, not constantly intense-wise but still ... there is this "but still"-quality. This time - I swear to God - it's not like "I wanna persuade the guy cause otherwise my ego would take some damage" ... no, this time it's more like "A & M could work" - just a strange gut feeling that denies any categories. Nina told me to not throw in the towel yet. Weird, for the first time I'm really accepting denial, take it for what it is but still be appreciative of what happend within those 7 days. But now people tell me to hang on to it, now that I'm more like Zen-wise saying "things are fine the way they are." Here's what I'll do: I'll live my life, dig into the exams, take a coupla days of refuge in Linz and get back to uni in March. Call me nuts, but if A & M was supposed to happen in the first place, it'll happen anyway. Don't wanna push basically nothing. "Der Mensch denkt und Gott lenkt" is what crosses my mind. Maybe the old Mario is slowly fading, the old pal wanting too much rather than letting things happen. I'm more on the let-things-happen-side of things now. Maybe Travis are right. Love will come through. Till then, what remains is Mr. L and the nights at Stargayte. Just kidding.

One other thing: Michael really seems to be a jerk lately. Fuzzing about the most irrelevant stuff, lamenting cause I didn't appropriate him with the smiley he wanted. Holy crap, what am I all of a sudden? Four years old? I guess, it's him making stuff up constantly in order to justify the boring life he's leading. Well, I love him in a friendsy kinda way, but sometimes he's like a total pain in the neck making profane things so complicated. It's really irritating. Could someone please send him a decent boyfriend? Via UPS? Andi's probably right. Michael has been alone for too long a time now. That's why he's so inapproachable and unnecessarily Drama Queen. He doesn't have too many friends anyway, so why is he bothering the few that are left? Sometimes people are like so socially incompatible, it really makes me go through the roof what a jerko Maikel is right now ...

'Nough of hermeneutics, existential philosophy, Hume, Sartre, critical discourse analysis and whatnot. I'm done learning for today. Again a sucessful day, even got that presentation for 9/11-literary studies done and hit town instantly in order to reward myself, kinda.

Now to what I really need to catch up to. I guess, I've got myself a little fuck buddy. Being on the verge of totally freaking out most of Friday and Saturday because of writing the 9/11 paper for hours on end, it was him that totally got me back to normal again. He came over, looking like some high-browse version of a Russian pimp, with his expensive-looking coat, bringing along this delicious bottle of wine and then we just went for the couch, Maren's couch (she was in Berlin at the time). Ah, what am I to say? Mr. L is a handsome chap, like he's got those stintingly blue eyes, a perfect physique, like built up naturally, the kinda bear-qualities that I really like in a man - so we just hit it off, or kinda resumed the thread where we left it at Stargayte couple a days ago. At the moment, he's like my personal chill-out area what with all the pseudo-hysteria at university. I don't even know how it works between the two of us - but it damn works. No profound talking, no real getting to know each other better, no running down of catalogue-like questions ... just charms and chemistry of a certain kind. And it's mutual. He even told me an awful lot of things which I really like to hear right now, stuff boosting my ego basically. In essence, there are no strings attached. It's like this contract we clandestinely signed - a silent agreement. And that's basically it. It's fun, it's relaxed and it's "uncomplicated" as the lunatics on Romeo would put it. But it's not superficial at the same time. He keeps making me compliments, chatting me up on the net, sending text messages ... but he's not into something within the bigger scheme of things - and neither am I, honestly. I'm just happy about this man passing my way. Told him we'd kinda have to make a break as the exams will really be tying me up for the next two weeks but at "Worst of the 90ies" we'll be seeing each other again - at least, that's what I offered him.

Some people have a personal counsellor, I've got myself a personal fuck buddy ... ain't that nice, for a change?!

Ever since I met Aaron, Oltremare has gained an entirely new meaning; a notion is added to the tunes by Einaudi that is indelibly inscribed in my memory. A remembrance that becomes instantly vivid by listening to the sounds of the old sea.

I am walking by the beach, along this slim section where the sea sweeps over sand, feet wet, and returns, dry warmth entering from beyond. The sky is covered with the most picturesque clouds, as if taken from a Dutch landscape painting. In between, there are rays of sunlight tracing their way down on me. Random moments. Flashes. Then the clouds unite again, and it's somewhat gloomy but in a curious way. The world adopts these colours signifying a shift, the world on the edge of change, ever so pervasive in the four elements. It's in the air. Everywhere, mingled with this slightly salty taste of what has been there since the beginning of all things. The beach stretches on forever, only delimited by the horizon. Every once in a while a sea gull chirps above my head and then gets mute, as if apologizing for interrupting Oltremare. In my footsteps there is a dog following me inconspicuously. My dog. A self-willed creature, as much as I am; best of buddies is what we are. He is sniffing the sea breeze, feeling at ease, as much as I am. The tunes. The old sea. And your shadow walking by my side. We are wearing caps, black ones looking as though we'd be robbing a bank the next moment. It's Indian Summer, not exactly fresh but August has long gone. "Kafka-esque," your favourite word. You utter it gently and I nod habitually. No talking. Just incidental glimpses to the side. Shy smiles as if we'd be walking this beach for the very first time. Shy as if we'd still have the moment of melting souls ahead of us. Shy as if everything was still ahead of us when all that matters is here and now. The present, the threshold trespassed long ago. Just you, and me, and Oltremare ...

(dedicated to Aaron and Ludovico Einaudi, two of the numerous things that make life worthwhile, but two of the most beautiful ones)

"Is this the part in the book
where you gonna come
and save the day?
Did you miss me?
It says you miss me."

I was having the weirdest of all dreams. Being at Stargayte seeing Courtney Love perform "Mono." I think I even remembered Melissa Auf Der Maur from "Hole" lingering somewhere along the bar. However, the capacity crowd was rocking like big time. And I was in the middle of it making out with Courtney herself. Just remember grabbing under her skirt, feeling this somewhat cock-like something. I guess, what my subconscious wanted to tell me is: stop going to Stargayte, it's too much already. Get real again!

Just thought I needed to write this down so as not to forget this weirdest of all mindfucks. Way to go, Courtney ...