It's 2.30 pm. and I've basically lived off coffee & zigs for the entire day so far, which is not good I know. My stomache already tells me. But it's not just the lack in food that gets to me, it's the all-too-familiar issue of doubting. Once again, I don't know what to make of Georg. And I'm pretty much sick and tired of moping around and worrying and racking my brains why he is the person that he is, why he behaves in this or that way, why he says certain things or not. Bla bla bla. It's becoming really, really stale. Like an imbecile joke you've heard too many times.

The story goes like this. We haven't seen each other for a week because he had to manage things at work getting down from 40 hours per week to 30 so that he can engage in free-lance activities. Then he had to come up with a concept for a homepage and help Verenna design that cooking book. So, there's nothing wrong with that. There are times when you're occupied with work. I totally understand that from experience and am hence the last person to complain about things like these. I even told Georg that I'm proud of his first baby steps as a free-lance designer, which I really am. This is what he wanted and now it seems that things are finally getting some real edge. Which is awesome. I'm happy for him in that respect. However, when we went out for dinner yesterday there was one disappointment after the other. He was totally confused and dispersed which wouldn't make any difference seeing that this is who he is. I got to know him like that so it's become pretty much normal to me. But yesterday was even worse than usual. We passed by the restaurant several times before we found it - that's how befuddled he was. In the restaurant we had this awkward conversation about nothing. We were talking but not communicating. The whole thing was so stale and lifeless. I felt like being a nuisance to him. He was bullish, and inconsiderate, and utterly distanced. I felt like "Who the hell are you?" Every topic I tried to raise was instantly smashed to the wall so I really felt like he didn't have the slightest whiff of interest in what was going on in my life. One should assume that after a week of not seeing each other there'd be plenty of stuff to talk about. Nada here. And he was constantly evading my looking at him which made me realize that something's going on here, something uncanny. I asked him several times if something was the matter but he just said he was tired and full of work. Lame excuse. In the end, the waiter brought us unordered desert. One plate. Two forks. Which was so nice. Really attentive and helpful, I thought. Obviously, Georg thought differently about that. So I kind of had it and said that I wanted to get home right away. At first, Georg wanted to drive to his place alone and I really thought I didn't hear him correctly. So after I convinced him to join me he was totally hinting at going for a beer even though I didn't want to go anyplace anymore but home. Near Parkhouse he once again suggested going for a bear and that was it. "You do know that we've got a beer at home, too. But this isn't about me, right?" Of course, I was saying this in a sarcastic tone since I really heard just enough about that. I left him standing, heading straight home, regardless of what he might have thought - or not. Back home I was staring at my cell awaiting him to call but again: Nada! And now my belly aches because I'm really cross and unnerved. Something is wrong but he'd rather hack his hands than tell me what is wrong. And that sucks. It sucks that this guy can never say anything out loud. It's always me reading his mind, staggering in the dark woods. Sometimes I find my way but mostly I just hit my head on some fucking tree. But what am I? A psychic? Telepathically gifted? Definitely not. Nobody is. And to be perfectly honest, I have this very strong gut feeling that he is feeling guilty for something that I don't know yet. And at the same time I already know. He's just too yellow to tell me exactly because he knows very, very well how I'd respond. We've had that issue before and now he prefers playing me a fool instead of just blurting it out? Well, not with me.

You see, the point is that I am investing far more than he is. So there's this huge deficit on my part. A hole that keeps staring at me, yelling at me to get the hell out of here. I don't know why I didn't do it before. There's more things not working between us than there are things which are actually in our favour. Lacquan calls this the anamorphosis; when the real hits reality, when you stop seeing someone like you want him or her to be but instead see things how they really are. I think that's where I'm standing right now. The things that I see, and the things that really are without me seeing them. And what is different this time is that I'm no longer saying he ought to do this or that in order to get things back on track. He ought to do no more. I'm done expecting. I'm done waiting for whatever it is that I'm missing. I'm done. So done. This is not fair to me. It's eating on me and I don't need nobody eating on me. Really nobody. Because honestly I can do better on my own. I'm not saying that I'm gonna do something final. And I'm not waiting anymore. I'm just drawing up a balance here. Saying things the way they are. No more looking into an unknown future. Things are in the present even though I don't like this very present ...