I'm crying a lot nowadays. I just thought I'd let you know. I know there might be people outside who cannot perceive me as being weak and vulnerable but right now I am nothing but. Right now there are times when I really have to get my act together in order not to start crying in the street. I don't want people to think I'm weird but it just hurts so much that I lose grip. What kills me the most is the thought of never ever again being in the position to actually wake up next to you; the thought that from now on you will not be the first thing I see in the morning. From now on I have to do so many things on my own again. I'll never forget the last time I touched you. I think it was your back that I touched and I remember me thinking that your skin is awesome; it felt so good. So juvenile and innocent. I remember you holding my hand, squeezing it while you pulled your leg over mine. These are the things I will miss the most.

The last scene of our script took place in the dark. I think none of us knows why but in a way it seems to tie in with the rest. I will not forget for now how cold you were when I came to you with the most uplifting thoughts and intentions. I came by as a surprise. I had no intention to talk things over again. I just wanted to be silent. Be silent with you. Together. But sometimes there's so much to say that not even silence covers the magnitude. I felt you were trying whereas I meant it. I know that eventually you are doing me a favour. You are well aware and always have been that you are not able to deliver what I'm seeking. I'm sorry for having put you in a constant state of not being able to meet my expectations. That must have hurt you a lot. But I couldn't help it. I didn't do it on purpose. It's just me. Don't feel insufficient. One day you'll be able to make someone very, very happy. It just won't be me. And that really breaks my heart into pieces. Over and over again. Right now I don't feel like my heart has been broken. Right now I feel like my heart breaks every single day of the week. Again and again. And again. You see, I can't even write this properly without wetting my eyes.

I am afraid as hell to see you again. And I know it will happen. It will happen a lot as we are both part of this town. But I'm scared shitless. Because I already know seeing you again - whenever it will happen - is going to bring me down, have me fall apart in front of your eyes. I can earnestly not remember anything that frightens me this much. The idea of meeting you weeks later, months later ... see you pretending to be happy, see me trying to convey the impression of being "over" you. When it's so clear that none of us is. You because you never really knew the feeling in the first place, and me because I will then know that I had the feeling - and lost it, or was robbed of it, deprived of it, mugged and held up with the prey being my heart and my love for you.

The good news is, I see a lot of good things in my life. They have always been there and can't be taken away from me. In light of that crying seems to be what is necessary and maybe prevalent now but it definitely won't be for good. It's just the let-go part that hurts so much. Let go. Let. Go. LET. GO.

I want to finish of by quoting my current facebook-status: the devil on my shoulder tells me to hate you, but I can't and I won't. Instead I'm trying to be grateful. I'm trying ...