migraine - the malady of the truly gifted. today I feel like 80 or something. out of sorts. anyway. another incidental chat with the "lightworker." an interesting character. told me something about the tree of life. and conflict management seminars that he's leading. a self-appointed guru? well, let's see. michael and me, we're actually talking again. and I mean talking. without picking on each other. his questions subtly hint at a possiblity of starting anew. we were talking about his lawyer in Cologne and that this guy is close to find out his secret combination (typical Michi language). Anyway, out of the blue he said he'd rather have me get his secret combination and I was like ... hm, yeah, ähm ... don't know. I said that I'd love to but we both know that he don't love me, which kind of set him off track, conceding that he don't know the first thing about himself. He's all zig-zagging along. Nothing concrete - but he knows that I'm not in for that. Shit is, he's an adorable guy. He's got those rare eyes that have this boyish charme, but still he's as male as it gets. It's the combination of qualities that seem to contradict each other that I find so utterly attractive. And he's sensitive a lot and he got this gigantic heart. Not literally. He deserves to be loved. I told him that I really do hope that the lawyer soon finds out how to twist him round. But why did he say he'd rather have me do that? How can someone make a philosophy out of saying the one thing and meaning the other? He's been like that since I got to know him. Cheeezuz. I asked him about his address - one of the rare things I do not know about him. I'm gonna send him something. Not to get into the game again, just something I wanted to send him a long time ago. Fuck. Next Saturday's gonna be Lexi's party and Michi's gonna be there. Three weeks ago I wouldn't have wanted to go there - because of him. Now I can't go there cause Lexi and me are sort of crossed. Maybe I should go. But I'm not the one who's gonna apologize to Lexi. He insulted me. He was crude. Not me. Can anyone tell me why the majority of gay men is so overly complicated? Is there an answer to this question?

Today I got hold of some James Newton Howard tracks. Among them the theme for the Unbreakable-movie. Absolutely gripping stuff if you listen to it on full volume. Just creeps up your spine and then stays there till the end. I remember the movie with Bruce Willis and Sam Jackson. How we disliked that film when we saw it at the premiere. None of us could make any sense of that film. Years later I came to realize that in essence it is one of the best Hollywood products. The anti-hero coming to terms with his fate and his prime weakness. Duality is life. There's no good without evil. And vice versa. They need each other. Like binary oppositions. Fuck Derrida ...