every you, every me
I feel pretty hollow these days which is basically normal since I'm desperately trying to get Georg out of my system. I'm listening to crap cheesy music and I'm trying to put on a brave face but I know it is so not working. On the one hand, this is totally normal. This is the getting-over part. Nobody feels great in such a situation. I just wish I could press the fast-forward button and start right after the getting-over part. I have no wish whatsoever to spend my days feeling sedated and hurt. I have no wish whatsoever to have those thoughts haunting me, thoughts about him. It's a waste of time, really. But I can't help it. I have no wish whatsoever to feel this trapped and stuck in a rut. I want to get rid of the feeling but getting rid means to go through it with no shortcuts included. And that's crap. I hate it.
Yesterday I had this two-hour-talk on the phone with Birgit. Again, she said plenty of stuff that were really hitting a point. Alright, I can be rude. I can be straightforward as hell. I can be this utterly demanding. I can be cold. But hell yeah, I am a gorgeous guy at heart, very emotional and emphatic and charming and funny and clever and assertive and contagious and and and. There are so many good sides to me and I was always thinking that good people meet good stuff. I was always believing in some sort of justice. Obviously, justice is no longer en vogue. Folks like me don't seem to be en vogue any longer. Being an asshole is the new being human. Well, I simply refuse to be like that. I simply refuse other people who are like that. I refuse to be hurt over and over again. This doesn't make any sense whatsover. Fuck you!
Georg's just taken total advantage of me. For five months he's been nothing but playing me a fool when he knew all along that he likes but not love me. Well, the question is: did I love him? What is love? I think I loved him as well as I could, which to me is pretty much, damnit. But obviously he's not capable of loving someone in return. He even admitted it at various occasions that he's the most interested in people who show no attention towards him whatsoever. He's the most affected whenever somebody does not offer him any affection in return. He wants to hunt. He wants to lay bare the prey. Well, this is sick and I should actually stop thinking about it right away since this is so not worth the effort. I mean, this is in essence the definition of a wracked soul that is not able to deal with true affection and care. Apparently, the whole smoking weed has taken its toll and I became the victim of that. Very fair, indeed. Never ever in my entire life will I put hands on someone who's in some way immersed in addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol or whatever. These people are poor but really destructive, most of all self-destructive. The thing that soothes me kind of, and I know it sounds really nasty ... but the way I got to know Georg clearly shows that he will not be able to love anyone, least of it make someone happy - the way he is right now. He's basically fucked up and really in the doldrums. I should actually be seeking to get away from him asap. The sooner, the better. My mind knows that so damn well, it's just the heart that cannot let go so easily. The thing is: I've talked to a lot of people about the entire issue, and at least I know for myself what didn't work that well because of me. I know about the things that I need to work on. In the end, relationships are just occasions to get to know yourself better and improve so that you become your true self. Georg does not take away much from our so-called relationship. Of that I'm sure. Not that he's stupid, but he lacks in the reflection necessary to learn about yourself. He does not relate anything to his own behaviour. The sad thing about him is that he's merely reacting all the time, not able to establish any impetus of his own accord. He's the leaf floating in the wind, changing with the wind. He's the one lacking any direction, and I am totally convinced that he's got so much more to learn about life, about life, about other people. I'm not infallible, not at all. I've got plenty of stuff to learn, too. But hell yeah, so does he. And that's all I've got to say about that right now ...
Yesterday I had this two-hour-talk on the phone with Birgit. Again, she said plenty of stuff that were really hitting a point. Alright, I can be rude. I can be straightforward as hell. I can be this utterly demanding. I can be cold. But hell yeah, I am a gorgeous guy at heart, very emotional and emphatic and charming and funny and clever and assertive and contagious and and and. There are so many good sides to me and I was always thinking that good people meet good stuff. I was always believing in some sort of justice. Obviously, justice is no longer en vogue. Folks like me don't seem to be en vogue any longer. Being an asshole is the new being human. Well, I simply refuse to be like that. I simply refuse other people who are like that. I refuse to be hurt over and over again. This doesn't make any sense whatsover. Fuck you!
Georg's just taken total advantage of me. For five months he's been nothing but playing me a fool when he knew all along that he likes but not love me. Well, the question is: did I love him? What is love? I think I loved him as well as I could, which to me is pretty much, damnit. But obviously he's not capable of loving someone in return. He even admitted it at various occasions that he's the most interested in people who show no attention towards him whatsoever. He's the most affected whenever somebody does not offer him any affection in return. He wants to hunt. He wants to lay bare the prey. Well, this is sick and I should actually stop thinking about it right away since this is so not worth the effort. I mean, this is in essence the definition of a wracked soul that is not able to deal with true affection and care. Apparently, the whole smoking weed has taken its toll and I became the victim of that. Very fair, indeed. Never ever in my entire life will I put hands on someone who's in some way immersed in addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol or whatever. These people are poor but really destructive, most of all self-destructive. The thing that soothes me kind of, and I know it sounds really nasty ... but the way I got to know Georg clearly shows that he will not be able to love anyone, least of it make someone happy - the way he is right now. He's basically fucked up and really in the doldrums. I should actually be seeking to get away from him asap. The sooner, the better. My mind knows that so damn well, it's just the heart that cannot let go so easily. The thing is: I've talked to a lot of people about the entire issue, and at least I know for myself what didn't work that well because of me. I know about the things that I need to work on. In the end, relationships are just occasions to get to know yourself better and improve so that you become your true self. Georg does not take away much from our so-called relationship. Of that I'm sure. Not that he's stupid, but he lacks in the reflection necessary to learn about yourself. He does not relate anything to his own behaviour. The sad thing about him is that he's merely reacting all the time, not able to establish any impetus of his own accord. He's the leaf floating in the wind, changing with the wind. He's the one lacking any direction, and I am totally convinced that he's got so much more to learn about life, about life, about other people. I'm not infallible, not at all. I've got plenty of stuff to learn, too. But hell yeah, so does he. And that's all I've got to say about that right now ...
karma_police - 26. Nov, 22:19
...
xoxo
a fellow blogger