Right now I'm like so going through the motions. This week it was really feeling a lot easier for me to cope with being turned down and emotionally raped and then ... BOOM!!! it just takes one split second and I'm a mess all over again. Of course, I'm talking about the Rosy clubbing on Saturday. I was actually having ridiculous fun for the first few hours. I just love being right in the crowd and dance goofily, because honestly I don't care whether I look cool or stupid dancing it up. I just do it. Maren and I were invited for dinner beforehand and then had a real blast at Rosy. We were like entering the Postgarage, handing in our jackets and went straight for the dancefloor. She's georgeous and so much fun. However, at around 2 am Georg entered the scene and I was struck immediately. Of course, I knew that in all likelihood he'd be there but I was so not prepared for this surge of sentimentality and emotions. At first, he was acting as though he hadn't seen me. I was delivering the usual stupid things, saying awful things when all I wanted was to be a regular guy. But acting funny and charming totally backfired. We were both way too self-conscious. Anyway, when I later saw that guy chatting Georg up, touching him and getting ridiculously close to his face, I was on the verge of tears but eventually told myself that I would not cry in the middle of all those fake-fairies. I would refuse to have other people judge my mental state. I would not have people ask me whether I'm okay with all their fake consolation and stuff. But at that moment I was broken in halves. You could have scraped me from the floor right there. Funny enough, Georg really didn't seem to be interested in that guy, nor did he seem to be interested in anyone at all. I watched him numerous times (while I was dancing up on the platform hihi) and he appeared to be somewhat lost and not into the whole thing, which made me feel real pity for him. He was like this child turning up at a party of grown-ups, not knowing how to behave at all. I know it's not easy for him either, even though I'm suffering so much more than he is. He would have wanted things to turn out differently, too. I guess, in a way we are both hurt and disappointed and ... deeply confused.

The thing is, so much happened at this very weekend. I really don't know who I am. I don't know what to feel and how to get to grips. After the clubbing I wasn't sleeping for a single minute. I wrote two text messages to Georg and in the evening he called me. Absurdely, our phone conversation was totally relaxed and funny, as if we were talking for the very first time. And he decided to fulfill my last wish. Actually, we were to meet today but he postponed it till tomorrow. He even offered to come to my place, which is so nice of him. I mean, he really wouldn't have to do this one last thing for me. But still, he does. So we'll be seeing each other tomorrow. And hopefully, I will be able to make at least some sense out of it all. All I know already is that I will be missing him for a looong, long time. I will miss him so much that I really can't see how anyone could approach me right now and for the weeks to come. That's how big a mark he left on my soul and I'm saying this with positive feelings only. Because here's one more thing: people tell me to hate him, people tell me to kick his balls, people tell me weird things in order to cheer me up but the truth is ... I cannot and I will not hate him. I could never do that. Mission impossible. I am not capable of hating Georg. Instead, I'd rather cherish him in my very own ways ...