Okay, I shouldn't do that but I really want to it, reflect this utterly strange rollercoaster ride I've been on recently. Short-cut chronology: Saturday, Rosy - shit! Tuesday, Eschenlaube - grrreat! :-) While listening to Gustav's "Linzserenade" I just have to rewind over and over again. We had a great conversation. He said he was sorry for being totally high when we saw each other for the last time, the infamous "dark scene". I didn't even realize that back then. We were basically reminiscing about our Mur-incident, talking about Andi whom I had met for coffee just hours before I met Georg. We were scrutinizing each other's behaviour and the things that went wrong. And I knew there are busload of things that should've taken another turn. By God, I was such an incredible a-hole, all about me, me, me. Fulfill my wishes. Please my ego. Do what I want. Caress me, touch me, kiss me. In a way, we had a real blast dissecting each other, being like really psycho-analytical, doing the childhood stuff and whatnot. I swear to God, I was not drunk but still kept smiling all the time. The whole thing at the Eschenlaube was supposed to be drawing a balance - and of course we did - but it was so much more about the things that were not outspoken. I remember him repeating that things are as if nothing ever happened, as if we were meeting each other for the very first time. He said that over and over again and was smiling a lot. So was I. I told him about Maren and me going with the Wonder Wheel where I was so sick and felt like puking down on the people. I told him about the stupid youtube videos we were watching at the weekend before. He just laughed a lot. And this feeling watching him laugh was indiscribable. It was pure joy. It was like he really had a hard time keeping a straight face. He really tried to be serious in the beginning, like this is the end. But it so not worked for neither of us. I told him that I do not have any idea whatsoever what it was exactly that I wanted him to tell me. Sure as hell, I never expected him to give me the big three. I'm way too realistic for that. But really ... on Tuesday I did not know what it was that I wanted from him and I felt really ashamed. I showed him the one text message that made my heart light up so much and even before I could show him he said, he already knew which one it would be. I realized that he told me the cutest things on several occasions. I was just so godamn stupid or absorbed to realize it back then. But now I do realize it. He just has his very own ways of expressing emotions. But BY GOD he did it all the time and I was ... maybe my Mum's right ... I have a hard time letting someone love me ... it is really weird, because right now we both don't know what is going to happen. But I strongly felt that this was so not the end of things. We don't know what WE are right now and in a way this feels liberating. Not declaring every godamn piece of sheer being together. I think this will do us a world of good. Get the old year behind us and grow on each other once more in 2009. I am really happy for what happened on Tuesday. I was leading him to my place after our conversation. Cheeezuz, he showed me his new laptop, then we watched "American Dad" and "Grey's Anatomy" and things felt so dramatically at ease. I realized that I had been quite a burden to him sometimes because of my being all "important" and "sophisticated" and in being so, being really hard to take. Anyway, with the lights of ... this was heaven. At first, I was like so ashamed of getting undressed in front of him. I felt like 14 all over again. This was funny, funny, funny. It was basically like the zillionth time we undressed but this time it was like getting back to square one. He was like hugging me so much. I loved pressing my face towards his belly, sobbing but being relieved and happy. And the kissing was like the first time, too. It's so amazing how you can know somebody quite well but then after an interval of time, things feel so fresh again as if you never had those moments with that person before. Cheezuz. In the morning I had to get up really soon for that crap-nonsense-lecture so I had breakfast on my own and let Georg sleep a little longer. When I woke him up later he was sweet. Again the shy touching, the fleeting kisses, the good-byes ... what a gorgeous day it was is all I want to say. I will not look into the future. Whatever happens, happens anyway. I just relish that one day in time. And I'm grateful for that. The ups and downs are actually worth it. Life's the most exciting screenplay :-)