Thomas 2.0, or: I'm not the Only One Who is Back :)
I haven't the foggiest why - after one and a half year - it came to my mind to re-visit this blog. I have never given any thought anymore to this blog. But still, here I am: Bachelor of Arts, 30 years of age, still in Graz, and not an effin' inch wiser :)
Just read a few of the last entries of early 2009. Cheezuz, the events seem so far away it actually verges on the ridiculous, like 'Did this really happen to me?' or like 'What a lame-ass cry-baby have I been?' On the other hand, that was a part of me, a part that still is me. Some of the perspectives might have changed, there were plenty of people inhabiting my life in between, and, most certainly, a hell of a lot of courses at university passed by. In a way, it's fascinating to read stuff with so much hindsight. It's like a person you stumbled on in the street wrote this, or told you about it. Yet, my entries still trigger shadow-emotions, meaning I can still relate a lot to it, but also laugh about it a great deal. The wisdom of hindsight at work, I guess.
Anyway, to stick to the tradition: I've met someone new. Don't wanna give away too much already, but one thing's for certain: I haven't met that many interesting folks since my last entry - I'm talking romantic-interesting, btw. Now this guy ... well, I feel attracted to him. He is actually very damn close to expectations as regards outward appearance - yes, that's my complicated, sort of rational way to put it. In short, he is ridiculously handsome and doesn't know about it. Something about his face makes me wanna hug him, cuddle up, and be all childish and child-like. There are not that many faces which trigger such a reaction on my part, but he of all people does trigger emotions like these. I wanna touch his face like all of the time. It's really hard sitting opposite him and not touch his face. Seriously. It's that kind of face. You wanna touch it, stroke it, grope for his beard, get his glasses right, search in his eyes, and kiss him on the cheek, innocently. On the other hand, however, he also triggers this Mother-Tereza-complex, meaning he radiates with some quality that begs for help. Something - and I've got no idea whatsoever what it is - is desperate about him. He appears like really hurt and in pain. I've got my theories as to what constitutes this pain, given that he told me bits and pieces of his background story ... still, I know I don't have the right to interpret. But, let's be frank here, people feel when something's not right - and something is certainly not right about him. And here's the really crazy part: I want to know what it is that is not right. I want to help him become whole again. I'm that kind of crazy person who always falls for adorable and pained. It's the combo I can't help but fall for. Handsome alone is boring. Handsome and sort of f*cked-up - Bingo! And I don't think his pain derives from being dumped recently. That's part of it, but there's way more to it. Getting down to brass tacks, I suppose he is depressed ... and that illicits a range of memories I thought were really just that: a thing of the past. He has this air about him which totally reminds me of Thomas, in a creepy déjà-vu way. There is so much about this new guy which is similar to Thomas. Can you actually meet someone twice though he is no longer alive while you are? Meaning, this is not a transcendental shop-worn thing. I actually have a very strong gut feeling that this is Thomas 2.0.
Either way, I have this urge to tear down this wall surrounding the new guy and find out what is behind. Maybe other people's concept of love really doesn't apply to me. Surprise, surprise. I shouldn't feel this urge to play counsellor, but still here I am on the phone with him like every friggin' day for almost an hour - even though he is really quiet and introverted. It's crazy. I don't know what to do. I should probably steer clear of him and look for someone more of my age and more healthy. But then again I'm glued already. He's on my mind way too much already. The funny part is: after 30 years of mostly romantic disappointments, to put it mildly, I still can't get rid of this idealistic notion of finding the one guy who stays for the rest of whatever time there is left. I can't get rid of this feeling that Thomas 2.0 could be this very guy. And that's a beautiful notion and hope and imagination, right? Damn right it is.
Just read a few of the last entries of early 2009. Cheezuz, the events seem so far away it actually verges on the ridiculous, like 'Did this really happen to me?' or like 'What a lame-ass cry-baby have I been?' On the other hand, that was a part of me, a part that still is me. Some of the perspectives might have changed, there were plenty of people inhabiting my life in between, and, most certainly, a hell of a lot of courses at university passed by. In a way, it's fascinating to read stuff with so much hindsight. It's like a person you stumbled on in the street wrote this, or told you about it. Yet, my entries still trigger shadow-emotions, meaning I can still relate a lot to it, but also laugh about it a great deal. The wisdom of hindsight at work, I guess.
Anyway, to stick to the tradition: I've met someone new. Don't wanna give away too much already, but one thing's for certain: I haven't met that many interesting folks since my last entry - I'm talking romantic-interesting, btw. Now this guy ... well, I feel attracted to him. He is actually very damn close to expectations as regards outward appearance - yes, that's my complicated, sort of rational way to put it. In short, he is ridiculously handsome and doesn't know about it. Something about his face makes me wanna hug him, cuddle up, and be all childish and child-like. There are not that many faces which trigger such a reaction on my part, but he of all people does trigger emotions like these. I wanna touch his face like all of the time. It's really hard sitting opposite him and not touch his face. Seriously. It's that kind of face. You wanna touch it, stroke it, grope for his beard, get his glasses right, search in his eyes, and kiss him on the cheek, innocently. On the other hand, however, he also triggers this Mother-Tereza-complex, meaning he radiates with some quality that begs for help. Something - and I've got no idea whatsoever what it is - is desperate about him. He appears like really hurt and in pain. I've got my theories as to what constitutes this pain, given that he told me bits and pieces of his background story ... still, I know I don't have the right to interpret. But, let's be frank here, people feel when something's not right - and something is certainly not right about him. And here's the really crazy part: I want to know what it is that is not right. I want to help him become whole again. I'm that kind of crazy person who always falls for adorable and pained. It's the combo I can't help but fall for. Handsome alone is boring. Handsome and sort of f*cked-up - Bingo! And I don't think his pain derives from being dumped recently. That's part of it, but there's way more to it. Getting down to brass tacks, I suppose he is depressed ... and that illicits a range of memories I thought were really just that: a thing of the past. He has this air about him which totally reminds me of Thomas, in a creepy déjà-vu way. There is so much about this new guy which is similar to Thomas. Can you actually meet someone twice though he is no longer alive while you are? Meaning, this is not a transcendental shop-worn thing. I actually have a very strong gut feeling that this is Thomas 2.0.
Either way, I have this urge to tear down this wall surrounding the new guy and find out what is behind. Maybe other people's concept of love really doesn't apply to me. Surprise, surprise. I shouldn't feel this urge to play counsellor, but still here I am on the phone with him like every friggin' day for almost an hour - even though he is really quiet and introverted. It's crazy. I don't know what to do. I should probably steer clear of him and look for someone more of my age and more healthy. But then again I'm glued already. He's on my mind way too much already. The funny part is: after 30 years of mostly romantic disappointments, to put it mildly, I still can't get rid of this idealistic notion of finding the one guy who stays for the rest of whatever time there is left. I can't get rid of this feeling that Thomas 2.0 could be this very guy. And that's a beautiful notion and hope and imagination, right? Damn right it is.
karma_police - 16. Nov, 21:08
