"the sweet and the sour, the one doesn't go without the other" well, I remember Jason Lee saying that to his buddy Tom Cruise in "Vanilla Sky." And he's right, the most beautiful things gain their value only by also hurting a lot.

I am writing this after another night of weird sleep when my mind kept racing up and about with plenty of wake-ups and again I had a hard time falling asleep once more. I even changed the room and slept on Nina's couch because I couldn't stand the energy in my room. The entire room was full of ghosts and heavy thoughts. I just had to get away from that.

You see, I'm kinda bluesy here. I really wanna be cheerful but today I think it's not that easy to be the regular guy. I had the most amazing week. I had an awesome time. I felt like King of the World *gg* I met Aaron, I went out for dinner with Andi, we went for coffee, there was this splendid New Year's Eve, I finished off a few things for uni, there was this party of Nina's friends, I smoked a decent joint (forgive me), I watched films and Six Feet Under, we went to the movies ("Australia") etc. In a way, there was nothing special about this week but I felt great. I felt alive big time. I had this sense of foreboding, the new energy of 2009 taking hold of me, positively. But it all ended yesterday. The lucid dream of what could be ended. The bubble burst.

Aaron is the most beautiful person I have ever met. Beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. He knew exactly who I am by just giving me this glance. Wow. Never ever have I experienced this intimacy that goes beyond words. Now I know that words, that talking is just a lame excuse for the things that really matter, the things that need no symbolic expression. I felt so comfortable and at ease. There was warmth, abundance, safety, understanding and kinship. Instantly. No need to get warm, no need to get to know each other, no need to tell each other the usual lies, present each other in a more broader limelight. It was the moment(s) that counted, that existed without explanation.

The things we talked about ... writing, the creative process, language and its limitations, emotions and what they lead us to do, philosophy and the absurdity of sheer being in the world, religious issues ... he was actually the first person to tell me something of which I had the impression I didn't know shit, but it was highly interesting. I had never been confronted with Jewish issues, Hebraic and stuff. I remember him saying that parts of Tel Aviv look like Döbling in Vienna. That was so funny. Which is another thing. His laughing made me feel like there is a reason that I am in this world. I was hooked on that instantly and tried to make him laugh as often as possible. I think it worked. With him I actually had the feeling that I'm a funny guy. A two-way addiction it was, because it was plain obvious that he felt about the same way. Exactly. We had these moments of "den Bullen suchen," as he'd put it. These stare-down moments we all know from western movies, but instead of pulling the gun, it was about who evaded the other one's look first. He came up with that kinda game. Of course, I lost over and over again. Too intense are those eyes of his. And his kisses? Pure heaven, no matter whether it's a Catholic or Jewish heaven :-)

In "Moonlight Mile" Jojo says that every person has their home embodied as another person. I know what Aaron was to me in that respect. What Aaron did was respect me, appreciate me, acknowledge me for precisely what I am. Without asking questions. Without searching for a Catch22. I have never experienced so much love in one person. To make things even more intense, he called me a wonderful person that gave the shitter he is a glimpse of what could be. That's roughly how he put it. He called me a treasure and a gifted person. Does anyone know what it feels like to have someone look you in the eye and say something like that, and mean it, absolutely mean it? He is pure, he is truthful and he by God meant that. It was the weirdest thing to realize that he was not kidding, not buttering me up but plain honest. Nobody ever did something like that for me.

So, I'm bluesy here. For having found and lost what could be. He said it himself and I'm happy for this honesty: he is a shitter. He is too afraid of what went on between the two of us. Again, it was not some formulae to get rid of me. It was just Aaron being honest and who he is. I'm grateful for that. We had an extensive phone call with plenty of long pauses, the kinda pauses that are the opposite of uncomfortable silences. Pauses that say so much more than words. We had that excessively. And my answer was, what I was really saying was that I needed time to consider friendship. Right now I am so insecure about being able to establish friendship with someone who is that close to me. Can you be soulmates and friends at the same time? Yes, I am well aware that I just used this word. Soulmates. Soul-twins. Something along these lines. It is possible. This wonderful guy is extending my horizon, the spiritual, the loving one, and I am forced to re-draw the lines. But in this case only, I am glad to be "forced."

Everyone should have this experience for at least once in their lives. To get to know an Aaron. They should actually make him a medicine, fill him off in bottles and sell it in drug stores. The world would be a much better place if each and every one of us had their very own Aaron. And if only it lasted for a week, it'd still be an eternity worthwile.