I really have to vent some frustrations. Right now, at the very moment of speaking, there's Andi's party going on - and I can't go. Why? Cause he's there. He, the fucking asshole. Oh, how I hate this. I really refused to hate him but now I do. I'm done refusing to what is inside me. I never planned on harbouring such a grudge but I'm sick of pretending that WE are fine. We are not. I hate him for preventing me to go to that party. Andi's gonna be in Zagreb as of next week, so he's saying farewell. I'd love to be there but on account of that loser-lamo-jerko I am stuck in my room boiling and fuming, really.

I haven't been thinking about him for the last coupla weeks, or at least on a surprisingly low level. But now it seems like it's all bursting out of me. He, the reckless, cold-hearted, drug-addicted no-good bastard. I hate him for moving on, pretending that nothing ever happened, pretending that WE never happened. This is probably what bothers me the most, that he pretends to have forgotten the last half a year. Of course, he has not, but his acting as if ... I could punch his face. What would be so wrong in admitting that I left something? Our breaking up is not so bad. Stranger things have happened. But his act, and it really is an act from top to bottom ... that makes me hate him and all those of his kind. Those superficial morons strolling through life without nothing ever touching them, acting cool so nobody can hurt them - well, this is basically the most certain way to lead a dull and meaningless life, because after 80 years or so, what do those guys think about their lives in retrospect: I never really bonded with anything or anyone but at least I kept a straight face and nothing ever got to me? Well, that is pathologic. That is sick, nothing short of. Good luck to the counsellors. I don't know why this upsets me so much on this very day. It doesn't make sense ... and he thinks, he is really convinced that some time soon we will be friends ... no chance in hell! I don't even want you as dirt under my fingernails cause that would still be a privilege for you and an insult to dirt per se. I know this sounds really hateful but it is my way of venting the grudge. Ideally, I should tell him all those things to the face but he wouldn't be able to make any sense of it, so what's the use?

Most of the time, I was like "what's wrong with me?" I think, that's the biggest crime he committed, making me feel as if something were wrong with me. Nothing's wrong with me, or at least nothing that wouldn't be within the scope. Of course, I know that right now as I knew it before, but it makes me wonder why I even doubted myself at the time. I really wish that he would fall in love deeply and then get treated the way he treated me. That would be fair, but life doesn't offer any poetic justice, mostly. But it would make sense. I'd love to hear his heart crack, the sound of it would please me a great deal. On the other hand, as instable as he is, he would probably commit something very awkward, so I'm not drawing any negative Karma onto me by wishing him something bad. Fact is, he is punished enough. He's been dealt a lot of foul cards, anyway. There's no need for me to pay him back. There's other instances dealing with that, and they're at work anyway. Maybe, it's just important for me to just put that down and out of my system for once. This is really therapeutic bullshit but this is who I am. As Rita said coupla months ago ... I may be able to take more shit than other people, but I'm also dealing in a way slower fashion. She's right. And another thing, people tell me to let go of the issue, it's about high time ... well, I'm so sick and tired of having teenies give me advice, people who consult teenie magazines in order to come up with some philosophy as how to lead a satisfactory life, people who basically know shit about anything, people who are still waiting for their first pubic hair and whatnot ... dudes, I don't want this to sound arrogant, but: I am 28 years old and I am - like it or not - a tid more experienced, not much, but a little bit, it's just nature's course that the more you see about the world, the more you know ... so stop dragging me down to a 20-year-old-level. I've been there, done that ... and don't compare any of my business with yours ... it IS different, irregardless of how it might sound to any of you. The only person who can know how it feels ... is me. Period. I guess, Andi Puschnig was right months ago ... asking me what is was that I liked about "him." He already saw it coming last fall that "he" and I wouldn't fit shit together, that he'd be too weak anyway. Even my Mum asked what it was exactly that attracted me towards "him." I just thought that for once in my life I would not deny someone just because he appears to be so different than I am. I really wanted to have a go at it and see where it leads ... well, it leads to me being totally livid right now. He is the first guy I really don't wanna be friends with "after." I don't. It's a first, because with other guys it's been better, way better on a friends-level. But with him, it's a world of difference. I'd love to do what Jim Carey did in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I'd love to have my memories erased so that I am back in a time where I never got to meet this pathetic waste of ... whateva.

So now that this is off my plate, I can go back to being normal :) sorry, but that was about as necessary as it takes air to breathe ...