What a successful day. Just like yesterday. So after all, starting uni again wasn't as bad as expected, gladly. Today, one more session with Prof. Strasser, discussing utopias and dystopias. Great stuff. Then harrach-cafe, some cooking at home. Unfortunately, I fell asleep learning. Afterwards I wrote another four pages of my literary paper and then learned for the British Culture exam.

Having slept a few hours, I can say I'm on top again. In general, I feel really good and relaxed these days. It feels so fine to finally be free again. Be free of people that I consider a total waste of time, in retrospect. And I'm not talking about Aaron at all. No way. I'm talking about the unfortunate ones, the miserable ones fleeing from themselves and their index of insecurities, doing nothing but getting drunk day in and day out, the pathetic ones boozing it up so as not to deal with themselves, the ones despising their job and going for Vienna on the weekends, the ones being traumatized without any real reason. I can honestly say now with the respective distance ... I have no clue what it was that bonded us ... sexual attraction? yeah, and that's basically it. The miserable one never knew who I am, never developed a feeling for who he is, either. I pity that. No real content, no real aims, no real joy. The funny thing is he knows it, but he is incapable of doing something about it. A walking void is what he is. I'm at a total loss to understand how it was possible that I actually fell for such a loser-lamo. No basis, nothing to build upon. I should have used him for what he is good at: physicality. Every gay man in their right mind, even the ones with only half a brain would look at him and think "Good for a hot fuck, but that's it!" I can't believe that I distrusted my gut feeling to a point where it actually became transparent and thus entirely pathetic. He "consumed" me, knows nothing about giving and taking, no feeling for what a relationship could be all about. An egotistical person per se that has never really learned how to express himself truthfully and realize the essence of people surrounding him. Communication not existent. Mission impossible. Now I remember that last phone call which was the most audacious thing ever. To be such a self-righteous jerko thinking only about himself ... it's something I wouldn't believe, had I not heard it with my own ears. Un-be-liev-able. I am a happy man having got rid of him. I just hate him for the time he took away from me, time that I could actually have spent with someone reasonable and sensitive. But it's my fault. I was too stupid to realize. Anyway, this is over. So over.

And now to something completely different. I'm still overly grateful for having met Aaron. The story is over before it actually started, before the two of us actually took off. But he is such a special person that I'd have a hard time still being sad. I'm not sad. I feel privileged to have met him. It took him only a week to affect me more than others failed to do in half a year. This is no grudging against anyone, it is the way it feels. He was the glimpse into a future I embrace. He was what I wish for in a person spending a lifetime together. He was magnificent, pure beauty in every conceivable aspect. Apparently, Frantse rang with his emotions when I told him about Aaron. I don't know, maybe it was because of my account but it really touched him. I think he could see and most importantly feel who Aaron is. That's why he reacted that emotionally. Me too. He sent me plenty of text messages telling me how sad he is for me. And I had to appease him so as not to be sad for me. There is no reason to be. Some people leave a mark so tremendous it becomes reason to be merry and cheerful. Aaron is someone like that. Elisabeth, too, considered him to be peculiar on account of my telling her about him. The weirdest thing, people who don't know Aaron in person, are really touched. This is something so beautiful and tells you a lot about the power someone can have. I think we can all be like that, it just doesn't occur to the majority of us. Most of us are so consumed with feeling pseudo-alive by going out all the time, boozing it up, buying unnecessary stuff, having irrelevant relationships ... all things in order to feel less alone. When alone is all we all are (remember Kurt Cobain's "All Apologies"?) I guess, I know why Aaron prefers to be alone, and he is right. He is so right. I'm as alone as he is, in the most beautiful way. Shit, epiphany! That's why we bonded so strongly. Holy cow. That's it. Cheers, Aaron. Sleep well. Stay tight. Be good. See you in another life when we're both cats ;)