Right now I feel like Pogo and Didi in Beckett's "Waiting for Godot." My personal Godot is Georg. I'm waiting for some commitment on his part. But what he's doing is that he kind of ignores me or only re-acts to what I'm offering. No acting, just re-acting. No initiative on his part whatsoever. No making it plain & simple that he wants to spend some time together. No sign of missing me. Nothing. The last two weekends I felt like being single all over again. He preferred to spend his time back home with his family. Not that he would tell me so, he simply does it. If I wouldn't call him I wouldn't even know. And he's totally unreliable, saying we'll meet this day but then postpones it again for some unfathomable reason. It's almost like he's trying to get out of my way. And to top it all, we were meant to be seeing each other last Friday in the Postgarage. I was contacting him over and over again. But he didn't feel like reacting. Today I get to learn that he was on the second floor, just about a few metres apart from me and he didn't feel the slightest whiff of coming over. I mean what am I? Some piece of garbage you can kick around? Wasn't I supposed to be his boyfriend? You don't treat someone you professedly love like thin air, do you? As of late, I'm having a strong feeling which goes like this: my love for him is way bigger than vice versa. It's sad but true. We haven't seen each other for a week and I seem to be the only one objecting to that. He's making plans with friends going climbing but it does not occur to him to maybe like make plans with me?! I really feel like being punched in the belly. And I'm sad and hurt. And to be honest: I deserve better than that. Way better, buddy. I'm pissed in a big way. Funny thing is, he's asking me "Are you pissed?" - Oh, look who's figuring out what's going on. The bad thing is, I start to get sarcastic, losing the will to even talk about it. I mean, he's the one claiming that he's all so sensitive and feeling the slightest vibes. Now feel this, you moron. Fact of the matter is, that for the last two weeks he's been giving me more negative feelings than positive ones, which is clearly not the purpose of being together. Why doesn't he get it on his own? Why do I have to approach him and tell him "Hey, this and that is not going that well." Why me? I'm sick and tired of being the "grown-up" and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not Groucho Marx. I should be happy, right?

As harsh as it sounds, but right now I feel like the last three months have been this major waste of time. I'm sorry for feeling like this but I can't help it ...

Is anything of any importance? Does it really matter whether you do something useful? Find your own way in life? What difference does it make eventually? The people you get to meet, some stay longer, some vanish within a split second. Does it matter whether you work your ass off, have an academic degree or just linger on plowing from the government? Where's the line and who draws it? Does anyone care about your existence? Is somebody's life any better just because you are there? If indeed you really are there ...

At the end of the day we are all forlorn and lonesome just like the stars in the sky. They just seem to be part of something bigger but really aren't. They're just glowing and phosphorizing, each and every single one on their very fucking own. And the same goes for us. There's this theory about exploding stars which we do not get to realize about 300 years later. So what you see in the sky might actually no longer be existent. But what do you call that? A nocturnal, astronomic mirage? So even the universe is playing tricks on us.

There's parties, booze, friends, work, spare time, sex, emotions ... but what for? Wilder had his Stage Manager say "you've got to love life to live life, and you've got life love to love life." - oh, how very poetic and meaningful, but totally prosaic at the same time. Or Woolf saying you cannot live life by avoiding it. Sometimes I feel like even the company of all those writers is totally non-sensical. Sounds great. Means a shit. What does that have to do with anything? Nada. Niente.

I just feel so alone when it's so patently obvious that I'm not. I'm surrounded by stuff, people (some more relevant than others, but still), energy, memories ... at any rate, I kind of became run-of-the-mill. Nothing's special about me any longer. I once had that feeling and I was actually able to cling on to it for a few years ... but somehow I got deprived of it. And the very fact that most people haven't even had this special mood, not even for once in their lives doesn't help at all. Sometimes I wish I were more of a go-along-personality, someone who's able to feel happy just by doing what all the others are doing. But I'm not and I never was. Trying to be different, somehow "above" is getting strenuous at times. On the other hand, I wouldn't have this desire to do something outstanding if there wasn't something inside me that really is special. It's all so very weird. And I can't stop trying to understand myself. We all do that, wanting to understand ourselves but sometimes it feels like a desease to me.

God, let me be superficial. Take back some of that profundity. Cause it's making me wanna puke right now. I even doubt the good things happening around me. Like on a regular basis. I just don't seem to be able to take things for what they are. I'm always asking where XY is gonna lead me and whether this is of any good or whether that happened for a reason etc. blablabla I have those days where I can hear myself thinking non-stop. It even goes so far that I already know in advance what my next thought is gonna be all about. You know that state of mind where you're actually bored with yourself? These days where you're sick and tired of your own predictability? Anyway, whoever says you can become a different person is a total liar. You can't. At least not in a U-turn style. You cannot become someone completely different. So in a way we're all trapped and caged within our very own self. It's just that some realize their own cage - and some don't. Now guess, which group of people I'd rather belong to?

So we're the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Which is hilarious, actually. Anarchy starts at home! Cheers to that!

Once again, it's about time to do some reflecting. Today's Sunday and we're in the middle of Indian Summer kind of. Sometimes it doesn't take a lot to realize how happy one is. Sometimes happiness is so pervasive that even the blind know what's going on. I've just seen 'Reality Bites', one of these non-comittal but still touching movies grasping what it was all about growing up in the 90ies. It's Maren's favorite flick and I just had to borrow it so I could enter the time warp and get back to 1994. Especially the Troy-Dyer-character portrayed by Ethan Hawke ... that's so me, not as far as looks are concerned, of course, but when it comes to producing edgy remarks that tend to go beyond sarcasm, all signs of someone being slightly dissatisfied with how things are going globally, the course our world's been taking ... that's just me, I guess. This philosopher dude hiding out on the couch spreading his thoughts from a safe and distant spot ... it's me - again. But even the hapless creatures get their slice of happiness eventually. So it's Ethan getting his Winona as much as Mario got his Georg.

Even though we've been going through a rough patch, having a thorough look over the edge - that's exactly where we've been standing couple of weeks ago - we're back on track bathing in the light all over again. Precisely speaking, what we're sharing right now is even better than our first few weeks seeing things through rose-tinted spectacles. I guess, we just had to discover each other's edges and insecurities as much as we had to find a way of integrating the shadows as well. It's amazing how much you can actually learn from someone in the course of barely three months. Call me crazy, but I seem to be feeling that Georg kind of came down, grew calmer, more at ease with himself and his surroundings. And the same thing goes for me. We both came to realize that there's no need to impress the other one any longer. We impress each other in myriad ways, and we do it the most when we least try to by just being our true selves. Gosh, putting it in words makes it sound so simplistic - and it actually is as easy as that. Even Michael claimed that I seem to be doing Georg a world of good like a rock in the ocean, someone to get back to regardless of the weather at sea. Here's your safe spot. I actually relish in the fact that there's finally someone who needs me. I remember now that in the beginning I was constantly expecting Georg to tell me the 'big three,' whereas the truth of the matter is that this guy has his very own ways of expressing even more than some corny words the TV taught us to blurt out like formulae. Now I know what it feels like having someone let you know that he is glad that you are there in the world, part of his life. It's the most rewarding thing when something like that happens to you. I remember saying to Simon months ago that we'll just have to wait and see how things turn out between me and Georg. That was when he wanted to wish us well over the summer and I was like 'If we survive the summer, then this thing really has a chance to grow into something significant!' Summer is slowly fading out and we're still together. This goes to say that I'm confident right now. I feel like being part of something special and outstanding.

I am just happy about the way things are right now, and I mean that in general. I love my flat, my friends in Graz, I so look forward to going back to university and I love my boyfriend. I've got a job, I've got money, literature and parks, beer and Kisch, some talent and certain glimpses into future goings-on. What else can anyone ask of the world? Not much, I guess ...

When I'm with you, I am calm
A pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest, a silent smile
A private kind of happiness
You see, giant proclamations
Are all very well
But our love is louder than words

afternote:

discovered an Austrian band whose lead singer actually sounds like Brian Molko. Fabulous band called "Lebel", love their song "Big Time" ... it's amazing, sounds like early Placebo-stuff. Cheers.

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. By now you should have somehow realized what you gotta do. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now ...

I'm listening to a classic: Wonderwall by Oasis. Christ, I was 15 when that came out. Un-be-lievable. And now I'm 28. What the hell happened? And why'd it go that fast? But I love reminiscing about teenie-stuff. I was such a jerk, a total freak-show with glasses, long hair, learning how to play the guitar just because of good old Kurt Cobain. Shit, now I'm steering towards 30. Am I wiser? More settled? More focused? Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? And who the hell cares ;-)

Today was an emotional rollercoaster (once again). In the morning I was totally down cause there's a butthead out there that made me totally panic. And I don't even wanna call names or explain the circumstances. I called my Mum cause I was so desperate. Me crying doesn't happen a lot. But when it does, it actually means something. In the afternoon, however, we talked again and I got back my cool. I acted out a plan and my Mum supported me as she always does. Today was the day when for a few hours I saw my entire life as planned go down the drain. For a few moments I saw myself ending my studies, leaving Graz and going back to where I never ever belonged, a life I do not have any wish to go back to. So if that is not a reason to break down temporarily, well then I don't know what is ... anyhow, things smoothed out. I mean, I have to make changes. No doubt about that but it won't - I repeat it won't - affect what I came to build up so thoroughly. I just have to take care of myself in a way I probably never did throughout my entire life. Mum and I were chatting about that, about her crap-ex-boyfriend, about how vital it is to be careful as to who you let into your life - and who you don't, and about the very fact that I will never forgive her ex what he did to her. Of course, we were laughing as well about her second or even third adolescence at the age of what? 48? I mean she's done so many idiotic things because of his daemonic influence. Today I told her that I was on the verge of naming her a lunatic, too. Because the things she did when she was with him - that's not normal, in no respect whatsoever. And she knows that she'd put me through a lot by being this irresponsible for the last couple of years. We laughed maniacally about the reversal of roles, adult-child-stuff.

Today I also thanked my sweetheart in Schwertberg. But for Birgit I would have done the most stupid thing since bread came sliced, that is giving Georg hell. Fortunately, she talked me out of it and told me (like she always does) to be patient and to not overreact. I really don't know what I'd do without her. And it's always the same. Whenever something's pressing down on me I talk to a lot of people and they basically all say the same. And then there's Birgit - and she never says what all the others say. She always has her own opinion. I actually think she's somewhat psychic. So many things that she advised me to do or restrain from doing, actually came true in the end. She's saved my ass a great deal over the years. Well, I guess that's what true friends are for each other. I mean, I've gone through hell with her when her relationship-near-marriage ended. And she helped me a lot with the whole Thomas-issue last year even though I know she was possibly sick and tired of hearing it, but still she listened to me for hours on end. And the very fact that we're still in such close contact, even though we're hundreds of kilometres apart, is just remarkable. So I'm glad that I sought her advice. It paid off. Georg once again wrote me a message, and this time it was really cute and it really came from his heart. I felt that instantly.

Because maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me. You're gonne be the one that saves me. And after all you're my W-O-N-D-E-R-W-A-L-L ...

So guess what?! Apparently, I wasn't dumped. Today Georg sent me a text message like everything was alright on his side. Well, in a way, it was good to be given some sign. It wasn't overly emotional but at least some response. So we'll be seeing each other again as soon as his holidays are over. The thing is: I'm clearly relieved and once again I was majorly proven wrong. All that crap going on in my mind - it was totally for naught. But what was I supposed to make of it? Being told that the other guy needs "his time" ... we've all heard that before. In the meantime I've kind of come to terms with the situation, did my grieving and being pissed. And now this? U-turn, hello! Anyway, the shocking thing is that I do not really know if I want to continue this thing between him and me. I mean, the damage is done and I don't know how he wants to make up for being an egotistical moron. I'm hurt, buddy. See to it that I can finally put some trust in you. Here's what I'm gonna do. After his holidays we are going to sit down, have pizza & beer and guess what ... talk for a change. We should've done that a long time ago. I can hardly believe that he hasn't realized yet that I am a person that needs to be talked to a lot. Otherwise I feel neglected easily. Stupid, but that's just the way it is. We need to talk about the trust-thing and his pot experiments. Because in the beginning I didn't object to that, pretending to be all cool with it. But in the long haul it's gonna be a problem. And I'm concerned about him. I don't want his soul to crumble. And I am convinced that even "just pot" ... I mean, it wrecks you, tears down your emotional abilities. Seen too many people going down that track and I refuse to watch him go down the same track. I guess, a part of me wants to deepen our thing, relationship whatever. The other part is skeptical and there's no point in denying that. And here's the most important part of it all: I need him to throw me a gesture. I don't have any preconceived notions of what this gesture should be all about, but I long for a commitment on his part. A true commitment, not something that can be said on the phone or be put in a text message. I mean, of course, I feel that he feels for me, too. But how about letting me know? Sure enough, not everything needs to be voiced and uttered. In fact, too much fussing about verbally is mostly some sort of a hideout anyway. But there comes a point where things need to be expressed. And I really want to define him and me. It's time for that. And it's either that or dead end.

So much for Georg. And now you'll hate me. I agreed to date someone. The lightworker. I mean, we've been chatting for a loooong time now and I have always been wondering when exactly is that guy asking me out for a date. He never did. Till yesterday. Of course, he said he's got no intention whatsoever. But of course he needs to get to know me in the flash. Just coffee. Just beer. Whatever. He even said I've got this special extra-thing-stuff-whatnot. And these are his words not mine. His latest pic is amazing. Couldn't stop looking at it. And he's interesting character-wise as well. He leads seminars like on a regular basis, about motivating other people but not in a business-crap-sense; it sounds more like a maturity-personality-issue. And he got this really strong connection with nature and all. And I really do think that after all the crap that Georg pulled off I can do this. I can meet the lightworker. No guilty conscience. Just get to know him in a neutral environment. Talk like maybe on a bench at Stadtpark and that's it. I'm not betraying anyone. But this is one of those guys that I need to see just for the sake of curiosity.

General stuff. Well, I've got this gigantic toothache right now and I'm totally drugged. But I really made some headway concerning my play. Been jotting down notes as of late. I even wrote the first outline which really made the plot and the characters a little more tangible. I think it's feasible. I can pull it off. Today I had this terrific idea for the ending. Another additional idea to make the ending logical - and shocking. Oh, it's gonna be great. Nobody's gonna see it coming. It'll be such a freak-show but ultimately it's going to be a play about love at its core. There's going to be a lot of societal and emotional scum but, in the end, what rules is love. As corny as it may sound. Love is never outdated in literature, much less in life ...

Yeah, God's sweeping Graz aside by means of floods of rain. It's awesome to watch. I just paid nine euros for cigarettes, read one of my old screenplays and listened to Fanta 4 Unplugged. This is my Saturday so far. After a sleepless night due to some fucking toothache and the regular Kultus-imbeciles shouting the night away, I feel kind of sedated. I popped some painkillers. God knows how old they've been, but they're working. Cloud 7 hello?!? Right now I do not really feel the floor underneath me. Laugh out loud.

I don't know how it came about and why but this catchphrase won't back off my mind. "Humor ist wenn man trotzdem lacht." So I've been dumped once more. Funny enough, I've never been dumped so far without being told so. It's just after re-reading certain messages, I can't help but reading in between the lines. Now I read the phrases entirely different and I actually wonder what a dork I was haven't realized the real "message" beyond the letters in the first place. I need some time on my own. I hope you're not cross with me (for me spending the weekend at my parents' place). See you Saturday (in 2032?!?). Sleep well. Kisses. Just a bunch of bloodless phrases, formula worth a shit. I was actually hoping and really believing that Georg really needed time on his own. I guess, after all, I'm the most naive person that ever set foot on this planet. I always see too many good things within people that actually offer more crap than anything else. Now I shall go and bang my head against some hard concrete.

Yesterday something weird happened to me. I was jerking off. Then I had this fit of laughter for no apparent reason. And then I cried out of the blue. All of it within a few minutes. I had no idea whatsoever what was going on. It felt like I was being seized by some higher instance, being no longer in control of myself. In a way, it was scary, but then again it was liberating as well. Maybe I should add that I was thoroughly boozed up. The thing is that I had August come over. He chatted me up on the net and I was like, come over, bring along some beer and be sure to be naked. We had beer as much as the fridge offered, then a few bacardis and plenty of zigs. I was totally surprised what a lovely and charming person he is. I mean, we all know these situations where you see a person that you actually thought you'd know with totally different eyes all of a sudden. This was one of these situations. We dated in January and I was so not interested seeing that he was so introverted and insecure and his beard and his leather trousers and whatnot. Back then, I had a plethora of reasons to turn him down. But now I can't remember a single reason any longer. I was just taken in. Fact is, he's in tune with himself. He's thoughtful but doesn't burst out everything (like I do). He's secretive and mysterious in a good way. Fuck it, he's really fetching and a good listener. And the way he laughs ... makes you feel like you're six years old again. He has got this way of laughing that catches you instantly without even realizing why. It just comes from the heart. There's nothing pretentious about him. He's probably one of the most authentic persons I've met recently. Apart from that, he's hot & steamy. I would've loved to fuck on the kitchen floor. Crazy, hah?! I'm fairly sure we could have, because he still has a little thing for me (just like in January) but I felt wrong in taking advantage of that. I knew it would have been because of Georg. I knew that having sex with August would just be a way of getting my own back on Georg. Or a way of getting over him. It wouldn't have been fair. It wouldn't have been the right thing to do. But it would've been real good. Crap. I'm this gigantic doofus trying to be 'correct' all the time but instead I just mess things up. Ever wanted to get out of your skin and be someone else? Well, meet me at Paper Street ...