That's why I adore Kele Okereke. Being the frontman of an internationally highly acclaimed band. Being gay. And not making any fuss whatsoever in his lyrics about that. This man can write songlyrics as universal as it gets. He knows exactly what he expresses, 'cause there really are by far more interesting things than sexual orientation. If I were a professional musician, I'd probably be him ...


It was your hair that did it
It was your hair that lit the fuse
A golden brown halo
Like sunlight peering through trees
I ask you for the time, but I am asking for so much more
A moth to your light bulb, you made my heart beat faster

Paralyze me, with your kiss
Wipe those dirty hands, on me
Maybe we’re looking for the same thing
Maybe you’re the one who will complete me

Oh how beauty burns, lips and eyes and fingertips
The spark of desire on every point our bodies meet
Behind your eyes were stars, infinite and serene
How I would suffer for you, you fascinate and magnetize me

Sometimes I think, I would float away
If this sadness did not weigh me down


("Halo" by Bloc Party)

... "maybe you're the one who will complete me" - in a way, this line is as old-fashioned and torn down as it gets but at the very same time I thought "this is it! that's what life's all about, finding someone who might possibly be the missing link to whatever we're aspiring to as human beings." In particular, I like the "maybe"-aspect and the wink towards the future ("will complete me"). Sorry for being a little Deconstructionist here, but that line is both minimalism per se and enlightenment alike.

Now, I'll get back to my I-pod. Back to "Intimacy" ...

Today I'm like WOW on a regular basis. Been doing almost nothing but listening to Bloc Party's new album. Alright, I admit it: couldn't wait for the official album to come out on Monday so I downloaded all the tracks in advance. Apart from the already released single "Talons" which has been played non-stop on FM4 in recent weeks, there's tons of material worth listening to over and over - and over again. "Talons" is basically a good choice featuring the album, gripping those who haven't heard about Kele, Matt and the other boys. It's pretty loaded, somewhat melodical in between and hits you when you least expect it. Great single. My favorite, however, as far as the first listening sessions is concerned, is the starting track "Halo," which at first sounds somewhat surreal but has a strong motion and great bass. The guitars are played way too fast which grossly pulls you into the track. Bloc Party once again prove that they're the drum 'n bass folks within the Indie Rock scene of Great Britain - hope that makes any sense ;-) "Halo" is fantastic, really core-stuff. Then, there's "Trojan Horse." First of all, how cool is it to entitle a track along these lines? It sounds really scattered and re-puzzled on an accoustic level and has got beautifully minimalised arrangements in the background. Love it a great deal. Then, there's "Zepherus", which at first sounds like Pharell but basically is more folklore and accompanied by relentless bass. I'm pretty sure the Blocs took some advice from Björk in composing that song with all its choir elements and kind of apocalyptic features. It's a gripping one, that much is for sure. Another favourite of mine already, is track #3, one of the calmer, more relaxed songs: "Biko". Kele sings like an angel on LSD and the more the song advances, the more intensive it gets emotionally. It's beautiful. Gripping. True art.

So all in all, it can be said that Bloc Party have definitely become more pop, a little bit more mainstream but they're suprisingly hardcore and edgy at the same time. Of course, they do no longer sound like garage rock or college indie as was the case with "Silent Alarm" but they've developed without losing their basic elements. They just seem to have refined what made them outstanding in the first place. I would even go so far as to pronounce "Intimacy" their opus magnum. I really am of the opinion that with their third album they've found their soul in every respect. I am absolutely certain that they'll greatly satisfy their fan base plus gain millions of new fans. I'd say it's about fucking time to see the boys live. It's about high time ;-)

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited. On Monday the new bloc party cd's gonna be released. Intimacy. Guess who's gonna storm the store and fetch his copy? Right. Since I'm this fan from the very first minute. First single "Talons": grrreat stuff as far as I can see.

Yesterday was Andi's B-day. We partied at the Dizzy, Dixie, whateva. Was great fun. We were about ten people and I was (again) the first one to be totally boozed up. After two hours I didn't know what I was saying but I was saying a lot of things. Anyway, it was great to see Georg get warm with Rita, Oliver and the likes. Rita and I had one of our fake discussions which people considered to be austere but clearly wasn't. We were treating ourselves to plenty of snacks which were coincidentally for free as the Dixie/Dizzy/whateva celebrated its 30th birthday. Maren joined us, too, and I think she was having a good time. At about one a.m. I had to leave, unfortunately. Taking a breath outside, however, wasn't that good an idea. Somewhere at Karmeliterplatz I had to let go, if you know what I'm saying ;-) I was completely wasted and went home straightafter. The others as I've gathered stayed until dawn - even Georg. So I'm happy that he likes my folks. Even Rita seems to kind of get to him and she's really a tough nut. Andi plans a party at his home for tomorrow. I love going there but I clearly have to mind my booze level. I won't be lying in bed all day for another day. I've got too much things to do for uni but as it seems lately I prefer other things to do which is basically not bad and definitely a new approach for me.

One ore thing: after the last weekend I once again felt kind of neglected. Georg was ill. But he totally made up for that inviting me over on Monday to show me his new bed *gg* he was so cute, buying wine, candles and renting a movie. So we watched "Persepolis" and in between couldn't keep ourselves from making out. He was like so attentive and considerate and totally into me, which I'm not used to. But he was clearly throwing me a gesture. In the morning he even made breakfast and didn't want to let me go to uni. I passed one course as I couldn't keep my fingers of him but I would've passed the entire day. It was worth it. We were so into each other, really intimate on a soul-basis. I loved every second of it. Seems like we're heading straight to a harmonious, giving and beautiful relationship.

Today's one of those days where I can't bear the world and least of it myself. The good news is that linguistics turns out to be real fun. Today's pro-seminar with prof. Marko was really hilarious and for the first time I realized that literature and linguistics do not at all exclude each other. So I guess I'm coming to terms with it. I was a real swot today, repeatedly raising my hands mentioning generic present tense, cohesive devices and epistolary novels. Cheezuz, if it hadn't been me, I would've hated that guy boasting of all around the place ;-)

What I can't bear right now is that I lack in a feeling of belonging to somebody, singular or plural. And I am actually mad as hell at my degenerated family who's nothing but a bunch of losers and emotional wracks who despise each other and don't know the first thing about getting along with each other, much less love one another. I hate it that my Mum seems to lose it and I can't really do anything about it. Whatever effort she puts into getting back on track, it just don't work. I shouldn't feel responsible because she's grown-up and I'm grown-up but still it's so heart-breaking to see someone you strongly feel for failing to hold head above water. What exacerbates the whole situation is that I'm leading a good life here in Graz with all the surrounding circumstances. So I kind of feel guilty for not being able to help my Mum. Nature has it that parents and children always care for one another regardless of age or circumstances but what am I to do? Given this situation shouldn't there be someone in Linz helping my Mum? Like brothers? Parents? Friends? No, not in this case. They are all so occupied with sweeping things under the carpet, protecting what is so innately wrong that they actually forgot about being the very same flesh and blood. I could throw bombs at them, send them hateful messages telling it all like it really, really is. They are burdening me with something a son shouldn't be burdened with and for that I deeply despise each and every one of them. My grandparents are total assholes and the sooner they die, the better for mankind. My uncles? Coward bastards complying with their retarded wifes instead of standing up for themselves. And the worst thing about that: my nephews and nieces are on the verge of becoming their replica. Looks like the new generation ain't gonna be any better than the old one. A vicious circle that I'd love to break into pieces. I kind of am seeing that I am the positive "black sheep" doing my own thing instead of fostering the worst. I just wish I had a relatively normal family where people are there for each other, actually talk to each other and support each other. Unfortunately, what I got is just busloads of material for writing the most degenerate novel of all times. And I don't even feel like writing that novel because that would be the ultimate appreciation of their existence. I'll deny them this appreciation. They are wrong. My mum is right. And this has got nothing to do with some Oedipus Complex or something like that. I'm the judge of this family and I should do something about it to stop my Mum from suffering. But I'm not Jesus. I'm not Elvis. I'm well aware of my own restrictions. Apart from that, I really don't see why I should be the triggering instance to resolve something that is a collective family issue. Even if I could do something about it, this family wouldn't deserve someone being that brave. They deserve to rot in their own mudd. Especially my grandparents have had numerous chances to turn things around but as they are these yellow know-nothings they chose their own destiny. Especially my Grandpa, who I'm sure always knew that my Grandmum is profoundly sick and need professional help, is as despicable as it gets. What a lam-o seeing the landslide coming towards him without doing nothing about it. I mean, what kind of a man is he? No balls at all, sorry to say so. So the only person who could've prevented this family from becoming such a gigantic mess failed in every respect. I think some people are destined to be a failure, just for the sake of experiencing failure. But what is really a shame is that this failure affects so many people whether they realize it or not. My Mum's been the sole one realizing that her childhood was as perverted as it gets and now she's the scapegoat carrying on her back what others committed? So tell me where this is fair? Tell me why such things happen? I'm the one who keeps listening to those stories over and over again. Sometimes I feel not so much like a son but much more like a therapist but I'm clearly not. For most of the time I'm happy to bring my own issues to some sort of a solution. But I'm constantly engaged with this drama that is basically not really mine but still affects me. Life isn't fair and it's always the wrong people being burned at the stake. But maybe for some this is destiny, too. I just wish I hadn't been put in the position to listen to my Mum saying "I wish my life had been different." It's the worst thing you can listen to, especially if it's said by your own mother. Why? There's nothing to answer to that. Nothing. How do you cheer someone up who considers his entire life a waste of time and effort? Even my wisdom has its limits. After all, I'm just 28 years now and that is certainly not an age for being confronted with such large-scale issues.

"I don't wanna hear the noises on TV,
I don't want the salesmen coming after me,
I don't wanna live in my Father's house no more."

"Windowsill" - The Arcade Fire

It's Sunday. I just had this incredible time in Stadtpark, reading one of the scripts for uni when Mörtel & Karin passed me by. They were all kiss-kiss and really funny. Just what I needed seeing that the script in my hands wasn't too exciting anyway. Georg doesn't seem to care to gimme a call or much less come over. I know from calling Julia that he's once again in Leibnitz with his parents. Well, don't wanna blow this out of proportion so what I'm saying is it's fine. Georg does whatever he wants to. Nevermind me. He's got his own head and I wasn't longing for too much involvement with people this weekend anyhow. So, after all, it's okay. I felt quite comfortable having this weekend for myself, meaning the entire flat was my sole kingdom, which was great. Having no one to listen to, just me and some music and my thoughts which are mostly good company. Yet I wish Georg would be here now. Fuck it, he's been sick for the last couple of days so I don't blame him for being on his own.

On Friday Frantse pulled off one of his crazy stunts. At around six pm he gave me a call stating he'd be in Graz in a few hours. I was like "You mean mentally!" but he was dead serious. All of a sudden, he took the heart to finally get down to Styria after all the discussions we've had so far. It's so typically him catching me unawares. Sure enough, it was a pleasant surprise. It was hilarious directing him from the motorway to my flat, looking for the names of streets on the internet and telling Frantse where to go. Now the really weird thing was that he didn't stay for long, just a few hours and then he drove back to Upper Austria. But that's Frantse. Always good for some surprises. For the most part, we were talking about what was going on in his life since I felt that he had a lot to get off his chest, considering that he took a three-hours-drive in his stride to do so. How I missed talking about his sexual encounters and the ensuing disorientation, our talks about aliens and unknown foreign objects paying us a visit, the Illuminati guys, radiation manipulating our minds, the world's financial crisis and the possible motifs behind and whatnot. There is nothing better in the world than having this fake-hysterical conspiratory conversations that resemble so much a cabarett instead of actual, serious talk. I'm saying that we're both somewhat unreal and our friendship has in great detail always relied on coming up with the most factitious and mind-boggling stories of what's going on behind the scenes. Fact is we have both read too many "secret" books and read too much nonsense on the internet but it's our way of entertaining each other by outdoing each other with stories that seem to have been taken from a Hollywood script. It's just a weird sort of fun that we share. Around five o'clock in the morning we've had our share of cabarett, so Frantse left, heading back to Linz. I really would have preferred him to stay till Sunday but he's got family to take care of so we hugged, cracked some more idiotic jokes and then he was off. God knows when we'll be seeing each other again but one thing's for sure: we'll stay in contact irrespective of our phone calls being recorded in Genf or the Illuminati filtering our conversations in search of high-alert words. There'll be plenty more opportunities till 2012 to upset the greys. It's good to know that some things don't change ;-)

"MTV what have you done to me,
Save my soul, set me free.
Set me free, why are you coming for me?"

(Arcade once more)

Sorry, but today I feel kind of talkative - in a webblog sense. Just watched the final episode of the OC where it all comes to an end. Believe it or not, but some scenes actually made my eyes water. How pathetic is that given that it's one of the crappiest TV-shows to ever air on American television? *gg* But still, after a long day of lectures and stuff at uni, there's nothing better to get irrigated than corny and predictable soap opera. Well, ok I haven't been to uni today but still handled quite some workload. I did some translating again and Julia's thesis is finished now. Talking about uni, after two weeks I finally get some grip on things again. Friday was actually the first day when I felt at ease again with everything. Before that I felt kind of stressed out, getting up that early after all and hastening from one lecture hall to the next really did kind of get to me at first. What I really do love about uni is that for once in my life I can really say that I am where I want to be, that I immerse myself in exactly the right things for me and, besides, that I am surrounded by plenty of great people. On Friday I had that lecture on British Culture (history & society) again with professor Wolf. He's got himself a somewhat bad reputation but frankly speaking I appreciate him a lot. He does have the right appearance and demeanour, he's competent as hell and he's even funny in between some of his lines. Ok, he might be a little strict and unfair to some students but as far as I can see he's one of those rare professors where you actually learn something, one of those you gotta cling on to. I adore that guy. Now hate me, I don't care. Another thing is the literary studies pro-seminar with Mrs. Schultermandl. Well, everyone knows that I am this gigantic fan of hers. I mean, she's just perfect. She has a good sense of humour, her methodology is state-of-the-art, she appreciates students and nurtures in them a sense of and taste for literature. What more can one ask of? Given that she's my prof now for the third time in a row - I had her in the introductory courses as well - we kind of know a thing or two about each other. She jokes about her dislexic weaknesses and we were even joking about zodiac signs. I often join her in her office and just talk about random stuff, not just American literature. Of course, she helped me a lot with my seminar papers, too, ensuring me to get on the right track. I really appreciate her a great deal. Quite honestly, I even consider her for aiding me in writing my bachelor paper, plus a possible master thesis. I already instigated her to see to it that she can be my assistant in writing a paper about Beat Poetry concerning Kerouac, Ginsbergh, Burroughs and the likes. Oh, that would be so majorly, positively, absolutely and totally grand. I just love those authors regardless of their substance abuse or sexual issues. Spontaneous prose as they coined the term is just something that I'm a total fanatic of. Funny thing is that this week I realized that I possibly won't finish the media sciences stuff. I'm already doing some courses but realizing that the overall scheme is pretty much about constantly presenting stuff in front of crowds made me make up my mind and it goes like this: I am not a public person. I never will be and I don't have to be. It's just that uni and the area of work in general kind of conveys the image that skills on this level are part and parcel of success. Well, in my case, this is bullshit. I realized that I should continue to pursue what I do best, and that is writing on actual paper, outlining arguments and mixing up the most disparate topics. That's where I've always been good at and probably always will be. And there's still so much to enhance on. I really should use those professors that I actually bond with and benefit from them in terms of writing academic stuff and who knows one day I might be publishing in the very same journal as Walter Hölbling, Silvia Schultermandl or Klaus Rieser. I mean, to hell, why not? This is not something that is out of my league. Maybe right now but things might change over the years. Actually, the very thought of compiling anthologies along with them or even publishing a whole book on my own is a thrilling fantasy. I really do think that not only am I good at drumming up stories that have a more creative edge. No, I'm good at a mere fact-writing as well. I can do that and I enjoy doing the research, reading tons of books and articles and make references to them in my own writing. I really do see myself in an academic spotlight. Whatever the actual focus will be, time will tell, I guess.

One more thing and then I'm off for today: Bloc Party's "So Here We Are" seems to be somewhat of an anthem for me. It's one of those songs that keeps on accompanying me on and on and on. I remember having made that song the main theme of one of my screenplays. There are certain scenes in that script that instantly spring to mind whenever I listen to it - even now years after having finished the script. That's funny to me ...

Cheerio. Good night!

My hands are stone cold. Beware the deceitful weather, looks so warm and friendly but is actually cold as ice. Nonetheless, I had to go to Stadtpark and enjoy at least some sunny spells. Proof-reading Julia's thesis on microbiology, I was encircled by panhandlers and all kinds of subcultural folks. Stadtpark does have its scary sides at times. So what I'm doing right now is reading Julia's work. I do so because she's Georg's sister and he asked me to do him/her this favour. Of course, I couldn't say no. Even though it's quite boring content-wise, it's also funny to read something that appears to be somewhat Einstein-theory. I know that's physics and not biology, but still, it's a far cry from what I consider to be proper knowledge. I should finish reading today. As far as Julia is concerned, she's awesome. I met her yesterday at uni. We went for a coffee and had a spirited talk about everything under the sun. Amazing thing here is she pretty much looks like Georg, she has the exact same smile like Georg and she even walks in a similar fashion. What is especially astounding to me is that they both have the same articulation and they both giggle a lot, which is so charming. Of course, siblings usually don't wanna hear about their resemblances but seeing that I'm an only child I cannot help feeling mesmerized by realizing how similar they are. Issues such as these are totally exciting for me. We are to go out all together some time next week, which is something I'm looking forward a lot. Besides, I think Julia loves me, which is always a good asset, having a boyfriend whose sister is a fan of yours ;-)

Right now there's a whole score of songs that I greatly admire and love listening to. Most of them are rather chill-out stuff and incorporate some of those Sunday-feeling-connotations. So here's a list of them. I really feel like I have to pen this, have it eternalized so that in a few years from now I can re-read it and wonder about my taste in music ...

Snow Patrol - Take Back The City
Tricky - Puppy Toy
Radiohead - All I Need
Björk - Cocoon
Elliott Smith - Angeles
Eddie Vedder - End of the Road
Gemma Hayes - Back of My Hand
Gomez - Moon & Sun
John Foreman - The Cure for Pain
R.E.M. - Why Not Smile
Trentemoeller - Liquid Dreams
Red House Painters - Have You Forgotten
Nina Persson - The Bluest Eyes in Texas
Jack Johnson - All At Once
Jamie Lidell - Another Day
Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
Foo Fighters - Stranger Things Have Happened
Beta Band - Squares
The Dining Rooms - Pure & Easy

So, this should suffice for the moment. I even compiled a playlist entitled "Sunny Side Up" inspired by the radio show on FM4. It contains some of the above mentioned titles and is really easy on the ears. The perfect background music for having breakfast on a Sunday afternoon *gg*

Listening to Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" I can't help but feel gratitude for today. Georg slept over after we had been rushing through Graz's "Lange Nacht der Museen." Two things I gotta get off my chest: Christoph Schlingensief is a real artist. I love that guy. Finally I got the opportunity to see him live and in living colours talking to the audience while presenting his newest project "The African Twintowers," a co-operation with Elfriede Jelinek & Patti Smith. The other thing is: it's great to have someone to wake up next to in the morning. It's great to have someone to cuddle up together in the night, just lie there like two embryos when it's so cold outside. This feels like home. This is rare and of the utmost importance. It's not so much about having sex, not so much about words uttered during the day, whether signifcant or not, it's about being close, about melting. I feel very grateful to have met Georg, regardless of what I wrote in antecendent entries here on this webblog. We do have a very strong bond. I feel so even more now that many relationships in my near vicinity break up. It doesn't happen that often that two souls meet and stay for a longer period of time. Sometimes when I think about him and me it makes me grin towards the wall in front of me, wondering how two people can be so different, even contradictory, but be soul-mates nonetheless - or maybe we are just BECAUSE of that.

We went for breakfast at the Orange. We joined Marcus & Maren who returned from Berlin. It was nice having them as company and Georg was really at ease, I think. Not so puffed-up and hyperactive as he tends to be around people. We spent the rest of the afternoon at Stadtpark, bathing in the last spells of sun. While I tried to learn for my upcoming exam on Thursday, he listened to the Sugababes, his favorite band. Funny thing, I kind of love the Sugababes now, too. Just because he loves'em. They're just one of these bonding metaphors that only Georg and I share in our own way. He was so calm and relaxed and there was this dog, a tiny little Chihuahua called Daisy. A lovely, vivid soul paying us a visit every few minutes. We were both loving and enjoying ourselves with this tiny creature. It was a perfect, warm day in October. With the right one by my side. Georg, I love you ...

As far as Vienna's concerned, I really put an effort into not thinking too much about it. A part of me already knows that Georg's gonna opt for Vienna while the remaining part is still hoping that he's gonna stay here. Stay with me. But who am I to hold him back? Make him stay here just for the sake of - me? I know that he wants Vienna, he wants the job, he wants to branch out and I know him well enough to see it coming that he's gonna do the right thing. The right thing for himself - even if it is without me. Sure it would hurt a lot. Sure I'd be sad. Sure I'd not lose him for good. But as I said I do not want to give it too much thought. Not yet. Not yet ...

It's the most amazing thing when you realize how much life there is all around you. Makes you wonder why there are days when you can't get yourself round to just fucking open your eyes and relish in this plethora of joyful joys. Just shut down your mind, memories and misgivings and instead ... just live. Anyway, I'm kind of happy for lots of people right now, the ones having met someone special abroad, the ones being so vividly in love and enjoying every single minute of it, the ones making a fresh new start whether at uni or at work. I just feel very empathic for'em all. Basically, life isn't complicated. Love isn't complicated. It's us making it complicated. Sometimes I have a hunch that human beings seem to be more able to deal with drama than with happiness. It's as though you're always looking for the downside of what's making you happy, some sort of "catch 22" - whatever it is - whereas with conflict and predicaments, at least you know what to expect roughly. I wonder whether we're all so directed and programmed towards drama that we actually - in some fucked-up subconscious way - create our own drama in order to feel alive in some way or another. I guess it's good old Oscar Wilde who said that happiness can be quite unbearable and it's the hardest thing to relish in some happy moment, something along these lines but I might be mistaken.

The thing is, I'm enjoying the calm before the storm. As of next week uni starts all over again. All that frenzy, all that fake stress but also lots and lots of interesting new people, a whole range of taking personalities (more or less), new courses, seminars, lectures, stuff to learn, homework, papers, exams ... shit, it's all so exciting I just feel like a new-born not knowing what to expect of the world at all. I look forward to our party next week, too. It's gonna be all bitches and pimps all over the place. I just wanna dance, have some interesting pieces of conversation and feel the moments. And to top it all, Georg and I have had this huge, gigantic conversation stretching on for hours, which is not so much astounding as far as I'm concerned but so much more astounding as far as he's concerned. I mean, let's face it, he has other ways to communicate. Actual talk, like opening your mouth and uttering some sounds using your vocal chords, is not something he's that good at. I just realized that there are things within himself that make it really hard for him to open up and click into the matrix. But he's trying. He wants to. It's just that he's his own worst enemy, nevermind the cliché. What really counts is, despite some problems, insecurities and the all-too-familiar inner demons, he's greatly capable of loving. Hell yes, he is. And that's what makes me hang on. That's what makes me love him even more the less he does love himself. And the sex, well ... I often heard people say that sex has its very own power. I heard people say that even though nothing else works ... the sex is awesome, something they cannot possibly give up. Now, Georg and I are not like those people. Not at all. But the thing I can relate to at the moment very, very strongly is that sex on it's own is a powerful force. Oh. My. God. It. Is. We've always been fairly hot, gripping and insatiable as far as sex is concerned, and it's been like that from the very beginning. But whatever happened between the two of us this week was clearly not part of this universe. It was somewhat alien, like from outer space. Maybe the sex was this mind-boggling because we had this longwinded conversation and some kind of reconciliation beforehand, but for the first time in my 28 years on this weird planet I experienced that two bodies coming together is at its very best some sort of a spiritual experience. I'm the first person to acknowledge how stupid this might sound, but I was actually stepping out of my own body and watching the two of us become one entity. I've never had anything that intense and larger-than-life. And I know that it has a lot to do with me finally stopping to keep a tight reign. I've always been rather dominant by nature, grabbing control and communicating where to go and what to do. Now that I stopped doing that and let Georg have his way of creating I got this present I will possibly remember for the rest of my life. Jesus Christ. Had I known that giving up control over everything is actually liberating and this greatly rewarding, I would've done it way earlier, damnit ;-) And I don't care whether writing this down makes it sound like cheap porn or totally commonplace. I know it for what it was and that's all that matters. Experiencing yourself in every possible aspect along with someone by your side. And that's just about it. Amen.

Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singing from at all ...

good old Jack Johnson: All At Once

I love that song, very comforting!

Saturday. September 27th, 2008. Rosy-Party at Dom im Berg. Oh, how I was looking forward to that. At first, we were drinking ahead at Andi's flat. About 15 people having some pre-party. Andi's sister and his other girls are actually quite nice. Oliver was wasted right away, dancing like a professional. Georg and his friends were joining us, too. As did Rita and her lesbian friend Eva. It was all fun until I kissed Rita. Even though I pretended that nothing had happened, it all went downhill from there. But here's the background story. Couple a days before Georg and I were getting drunk at the Café Ritter. It was there when he told me that he'd actually be interested in watching me kiss some other guy. He said he'd love to know how that would feel for him. Would he get jealous or not? I was like struck by lightening and was actually considering being hard of hearing or something. And then he said that maybe I was too "available" for him. Two bombs that struck me instantly. So in a subconscious kind of way I followed suit what he came up with. It's just so typically me that I did not exactly do as he thought of. Kissing a girl was nothing he saw coming at all. The rest of the night he ignored me, refused to be touched much less be kissed. So, yes, he was jealous like mad. Admittedly, I was drunk as a lord and continued provoking him when I danced with some guy who I got to know at the Postgarage couple of weeks beforehand. Of course, all of this was a complete set-up. I wasn't interested in that guy - Dimitrie - at all. He was cute but young and not much more. I just instrumentalized him in orchestrating my plans of making Georg fume. Which is, if you look at it from a sober perspective ... totally idiotic. I'm an imbecile and I don't know what I was doing. Georg didn't react directly but he kept dancing behind me and Dimitrie and Dimitrie told me that he was watching us all the time. Then we exchanged phone numbers and pretended to be going home together. Oh, there was one scene when Georg cheaply tried to pass the ball back to me by dancing by with a girl as if saying "I can have girls as much as you can if only I want to." which was totally ridiculous. I mean, we are so gay, both of us couldn't possibly be any more gay, hello?! This whole evening never was about girls or cheating. It was about getting Georg to realize that I am just not as "available" as he thinks I am. I don't have to be with him. I am not the one who's incapable of staying alone. I am not the one who's unable to express emotions or talk sense about the relevant things in a relationship. So, I'm not proud of what I did. Strictly speaking, this whole incident was bullshit. But it's him who made me be a bitch. It's him who wanted to realize what he feels for me. I was just helping him in realizing. Now it's time to wait for the upshot. Maybe the next few days without any contact will do us some good, help him in getting to grips. Because honestly, I know what I want. I want him big time. I want Georg. And no one else. And maybe, just maybe Georg realizes what's behind the old saying "Be careful what you wish for ..."