Alright, this is for you only. Nevermind the few folks that will probably read this apart from you. It's for you.

I'm hurt. Once again. Feels like the zillionth time. I am like so hurt that for the entire journey on the train (Linz-Graz) I was like in a trance-like state. My mind racing up and down, forwards and backwards. I could almost hear myself thinking on the radio. I don't get it. How could you do something like that? The entire week in Linz was one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. I felt like really relaxed and peaceful. Met plenty of friends, had the usual coffee-house sessions, played games with Mum & Joe, the usual sessions at the Rother Krebs etc. The point is: you do well know that I read your status on Facebook. You do know that perfectly well. As much as I know that you read mine. It just so happens. So why did you have to let the entire world - and especially me - know that you had a thing with another guy? THIS HURTS A LOT. I know that, technically, we are no longer together. Which basically means both of us can do whatever we want to. But why did you tell it out in public? You knew exactly that I would be devastated. And you know why. It's the most simple thing in the world. Godamnit, I am still in love with you. Not in a "you are mr. right & perfect"-kind of way, not in a Cindarella-way that I was ever asking myself whether we'd be together for good or not. You know which kind of love I'm talking about. I was really believing in this thing between you and me, regardless of how far it would take us. And then you're doing this other kind of thing?!? What am I supposed to feel like right now? Tell me, because I don't know. I have no clue at all ...

What makes this kind of behaviour even more confusing is that exactly a week ago you did the opposite thing, posting this picture on Facebook which put a really huge smile on my face. Call me an idiot, but this was as romantic as it gets - in a digital-age-kind of sense. I mean, this pic was for me, right? Honestly, I didn't have any doubt that it really was for me. But now? Yeah, maybe I was totally mislead and mistaken in the first place. I was really dumped having lost my cell phone in Linz, because the only thing I wanted to do was send you back some sort of photograph. I hated myself for losing that cell phone. I wanted to take a picture doing the exact same thing as you did. I went to like ten drug stores, trying to find a similar lighter, similar to the one you used in your pic. I was raising hell on earth to get back my cell phone. And on Christmas Eve, having got back the damn phone, I did exactly what I had wanted to do all the days before. Hey, I know this is not something huge, not some weirdo Hollywood-stuff, but still ... I really thought this is quite something. But just a few days later you like pull out the largest kitchen knife you can find and ram it up my stomach. What are you trying to prove here? That you can have other guys whenever you want to? That you are the most independent guy on the planet? That you are this hot male chick being admired by other guys? Or were you just proving something to me? I really gave it a long thought and the point is: I am not the type of guy that needs to be made jealous. Making out with guys is one thing, but telling me (indirectly) is another thing. There really is no reason to do something like that to me. That's not something I deserve, not anyone, for that matter. I was really hoping that you would at least respect me enough to not pull off such a thing. Conversely, I would never do something like that to you. Never. Ever. And you know what? I refuse to believe in what this one guy says - and we both know who I'm talking about. This guy constantly telling me that you are as cold as ice and keep doing the same thing no matter who the guy you're with is. I refuse to listen to that special friend of ours. Because I do NOT believe that you are like this. Not at all. This "friend" is an idiot. You are not.

I remember you saying, you were like reading my blog so as to know whether I'd be truthful to you or not, emotionally. So here's another truth. I guess, I have to spill it all out now :-) When I wrote on Facebook that I was not thinking about anything ... this was not in order to hurt you, because you wrote you were thinking about past romances. My line had nothing to do with you. I was just so relieved on that very day to, for once, not think about US. No insult intended, really. It was that feeling of being in Linz again, leading a different life compared to that in Graz. I was relieved. It was not directed against you.

And here's the ultimate truth: since we broke up I had my share of crying because of you. To me, this feels like natural, having invested plenty of emotions and stuff. But when we met like three weeks after that ... the thing in the Eschenlaube kind of changed my attitude entirely. Before that I was certain we'd be off and this is it. Period. After the Eschenlaube I had this glimpse of hope flashing above my head. There was this sense of possibility in the air. We talked our share and you kept saying that, to you, it felt like nothing had happened, as if everything was alright again. We were like having fun, smiling again all of a sudden. The whole dullness and heavy emotions was like gone. Erase & rewind. It felt totally uplifting. I mean, hello? You even slept at my place. Now please don't tell me that this is totally regular. I for one would never ever sleep at a guy's place for who I do not feel the slightest whiff. And you wouldn't either. Again, call me an idiot, but when we met a few days before X-mas at the Ritter ... it was pretty easy, too. For the most part, I just wanted to listen to your stories, because believe it or not I love listening to you. You are like so funny, and you're the funniest whenever you don't try to be. In my view, that is so you. I love that. In some strange sort of way, you are the anti-material to me. Both of us couldn't be any more different, even contradictory at times, but this is it. When I'm with you I feel more alive, less heady and stubborn. The thing is, I really had this hope of maybe in some way there'd still be a chance for us. I had no idea what this sequel-us would look like. I refused to look in a future that would be too distant. I just loved this feeling of "here & now" - and I felt that you felt roughly the same. There was still something going on between the two of us. You could have pulled it from the air. You could almost touch it. Of that I'm certain.

I just wish you would open that last door. Not for me only, but most importantly for yourself. How can you know what really is behind that very last door when you never give it a try? There's no need to open it wide and instantly. Just a few inches here and there, a few rays of light coming out behind of it ... I think that would be worth it, and exciting on top of that. And you know what? No matter what you think about me right now, I'm sure as hell that whatever may be behind that last door, makes somebody very, very happy. I just wish this "somebody" could be me. But that is for you to decide.

You are my person (remember "Grey's"?),
and I love you dearly.

I would give my left kidney for you
(and I know that sounds funny, but I would)

Always,
Love.