First of all, thanx to the anonymous response. We both know who you are :-) I appreciate the advice you're right, of course. But I accept the kind of phase that I am in right now. I'm no good at being an actor, so just let me be a little bit pissed. It will fade, don't worry ...

Second, and this is the bit with good news: it actually feels a lot easier right now. I do not think about Georg that often anymore. Last week I just had to make one more effort of hooking up which of course was rendered null and void. But this is typically me, fighting for a cause that is lost already. Anyway, I don't regret anything at all. On Friday when it was snowing for the first time this season I was having this almost spiritual epiphany, walking through Stadtpark, seeing "us" around every corner, every tree, rock and whatnot. It was a healing experience and it made me so excited that I just had to make a dash home and jot my impressions down. I think this is basically going to be another Jaws-story, but it's going to be an uplifting one. Again, most of the time I am not cross for what happened. Most of the time.

Funny thing, uni's helping a lot. Doing work and planning my next semester, concentrating on the things that remain, come hell or high water. I even started doing research on both of my papers. The literary paper is going to thematize flashbulb memories as narrative structure in both literary and visual texts. I look forward to writing that a lot. I'll be analyzing DeLillo's "Falling Man" and a few short films from "09/11/01." I just love the connection with psychology and Lacan's "real vs. reality." The linguistic paper is supposed to be about 9/11 as the birth of blogs. I'll have a look at the language and implied meanings as well as the rhetoric included in those immediate responses to what went down in 2001. I guess, this semester is pretty much about 9/11 on the whole, which I love.

Yesterday we had a presentation for Mass Media. I somehow lost my notes and did the whole thing off the cuff. I think we did a great job and the prof said so too.

On Saturday I'm bound to stumble on Georg again. The first time in three weeks and I really have to admit that I keep wondering what it will be all about. Well, I was contemplating not going there, but eventually made up my mind. I do not see why I should not be going just because he'll be there. He can do whatever he wants and I'm pretty sure he would not crush on anyone in front of my eyes. Neither will I. I mean, this is about respecting each other regardless of what happened. But still, there's some guys who already announced to me inviting me for a drink and stuff. Well, my only intention is to go there, have a few drinks, dance and then go home. Alone. On my very own. Right now I really can't stand the mere thought of someone chatting me up, much less touch me. Fuck off, guys. I'm still dealing here. Respect that and we'll get along marvellously :-)

I feel pretty hollow these days which is basically normal since I'm desperately trying to get Georg out of my system. I'm listening to crap cheesy music and I'm trying to put on a brave face but I know it is so not working. On the one hand, this is totally normal. This is the getting-over part. Nobody feels great in such a situation. I just wish I could press the fast-forward button and start right after the getting-over part. I have no wish whatsoever to spend my days feeling sedated and hurt. I have no wish whatsoever to have those thoughts haunting me, thoughts about him. It's a waste of time, really. But I can't help it. I have no wish whatsoever to feel this trapped and stuck in a rut. I want to get rid of the feeling but getting rid means to go through it with no shortcuts included. And that's crap. I hate it.

Yesterday I had this two-hour-talk on the phone with Birgit. Again, she said plenty of stuff that were really hitting a point. Alright, I can be rude. I can be straightforward as hell. I can be this utterly demanding. I can be cold. But hell yeah, I am a gorgeous guy at heart, very emotional and emphatic and charming and funny and clever and assertive and contagious and and and. There are so many good sides to me and I was always thinking that good people meet good stuff. I was always believing in some sort of justice. Obviously, justice is no longer en vogue. Folks like me don't seem to be en vogue any longer. Being an asshole is the new being human. Well, I simply refuse to be like that. I simply refuse other people who are like that. I refuse to be hurt over and over again. This doesn't make any sense whatsover. Fuck you!

Georg's just taken total advantage of me. For five months he's been nothing but playing me a fool when he knew all along that he likes but not love me. Well, the question is: did I love him? What is love? I think I loved him as well as I could, which to me is pretty much, damnit. But obviously he's not capable of loving someone in return. He even admitted it at various occasions that he's the most interested in people who show no attention towards him whatsoever. He's the most affected whenever somebody does not offer him any affection in return. He wants to hunt. He wants to lay bare the prey. Well, this is sick and I should actually stop thinking about it right away since this is so not worth the effort. I mean, this is in essence the definition of a wracked soul that is not able to deal with true affection and care. Apparently, the whole smoking weed has taken its toll and I became the victim of that. Very fair, indeed. Never ever in my entire life will I put hands on someone who's in some way immersed in addiction, may it be drugs, alcohol or whatever. These people are poor but really destructive, most of all self-destructive. The thing that soothes me kind of, and I know it sounds really nasty ... but the way I got to know Georg clearly shows that he will not be able to love anyone, least of it make someone happy - the way he is right now. He's basically fucked up and really in the doldrums. I should actually be seeking to get away from him asap. The sooner, the better. My mind knows that so damn well, it's just the heart that cannot let go so easily. The thing is: I've talked to a lot of people about the entire issue, and at least I know for myself what didn't work that well because of me. I know about the things that I need to work on. In the end, relationships are just occasions to get to know yourself better and improve so that you become your true self. Georg does not take away much from our so-called relationship. Of that I'm sure. Not that he's stupid, but he lacks in the reflection necessary to learn about yourself. He does not relate anything to his own behaviour. The sad thing about him is that he's merely reacting all the time, not able to establish any impetus of his own accord. He's the leaf floating in the wind, changing with the wind. He's the one lacking any direction, and I am totally convinced that he's got so much more to learn about life, about life, about other people. I'm not infallible, not at all. I've got plenty of stuff to learn, too. But hell yeah, so does he. And that's all I've got to say about that right now ...

There are a few friends for which I'm really thankful right now ... Lisi, Simon, Oliver & Andi. I love you. The world's a better place owing to you, folks :-)

Probably the most beautiful thing I have ever read about love. Thanks Nina ...

VON DER LIEBE
Khalil Gibran

Da sagte Almitra:
Sprich uns von der Liebe.
Und er hob den Kopf und sah auf die Menschen, und es kam eine Stille über sie. Und mit lauter Stimme sagte er:
Wenn die Liebe dir winkt, folge ihr,
Sind ihre Wege auch schwer und steil.
Und wenn ihre Flügel dich umhüllen, gib dich ihr hin,
Auch wenn das unterm Gefieder versteckte Schwert dich verwunden kann.
Und wenn sie zu dir spricht, glaube an sie,
Auch wenn Ihre Stimme deine Träume zerschmettern kann, wie der Nordwind den Garten verwüstet.
Denn so, wie die Liebe dich krönt, kreuzigt sie dich.
So wie sie dich wachsen lässt, beschneidet sie dich.
So wie sie emporsteigt zu deinen Höhen und die zartesten Zweige liebkost, die in der Sonne zittern,
Steigt sie hinab zu deinen Wurzeln und erschüttert sie in ihrer Erdgebundenheit.
Wie Korngraben sammelt sie dich um sich.
Sie drischt dich, um dich nackt zu machen.
Sie siebt dich, um dich von deiner Spreu zu befreien.
Sie mahlt dich, bis du weißt bist.
Sie knetet dich, bis du geschmeidig bist;
Und dann weiht sie dich ihrem Heiligen Feuer, damit du Heiliges Brot wirst für Gottes Heiliges Mahl.
All dies wird die Liebe mit dir machen, damit du die Geheimnisse deines Herzens kennen lernst und in diesem Wissen ein Teil vom Herzen des Lebens wirst.
Aber wenn du in deiner Angst nur die Ruhe und die Lust der Liebe suchst,
Dann ist es besser für dich, deine Nacktheit zu bedecken und vom Dreschboden der Liebe zu gehen
In die Welt ohne Jahreszeiten, wo du lachen wirst, aber nicht dein ganzes Lachen, und weinen, aber nicht all deine Tränen.
Liebe gibt nichts als sich selbst und nimmt nichts als von sich selbst.
Liebe besitzt nicht, noch lässt sie sich besitzen;
Denn die Liebe genügt der Liebe.
Wenn du liebst, solltest du nicht sagen: "Gott ist in meinem Herzen", sondern: "Ich bin in Gottes Herzen."
Und glaube nicht, du kannst den Lauf der Liebe lenken, denn die Liebe, wenn sie dich für würdig hält, lenkt den Lauf.
Liebe hat keinen anderen Wunsch, als sich zu erfüllen.
Aber wenn du liebst und Wünsche haben musst, sollst du dir dies wünschen:
Zu schmelzen und wie ein plätschernder Bach zu sein, der seine Melodie der Nacht singt.
Den Schmerz allzu vieler Zärtlichkeit kennen.
Vom eigenen Verstehen der Liebe verwundet zu sein;
Und willig und freudig zu bluten.
Bei der Morgenröte mit beflügeltem Herzen zu erwachen und für einen weiteren Tag des Liebens dankzusagen;
Zur Mittagszeit zu ruhen und über die Verzückung der Liebe nachzusinnen;
Am Abend mit Dankbarkeit heimzukehren;
Und dann einzuschlafen mit einem Gebet für den Geliebten im Herzen und einem Lobgesang auf den Lippen.

I'm crying a lot nowadays. I just thought I'd let you know. I know there might be people outside who cannot perceive me as being weak and vulnerable but right now I am nothing but. Right now there are times when I really have to get my act together in order not to start crying in the street. I don't want people to think I'm weird but it just hurts so much that I lose grip. What kills me the most is the thought of never ever again being in the position to actually wake up next to you; the thought that from now on you will not be the first thing I see in the morning. From now on I have to do so many things on my own again. I'll never forget the last time I touched you. I think it was your back that I touched and I remember me thinking that your skin is awesome; it felt so good. So juvenile and innocent. I remember you holding my hand, squeezing it while you pulled your leg over mine. These are the things I will miss the most.

The last scene of our script took place in the dark. I think none of us knows why but in a way it seems to tie in with the rest. I will not forget for now how cold you were when I came to you with the most uplifting thoughts and intentions. I came by as a surprise. I had no intention to talk things over again. I just wanted to be silent. Be silent with you. Together. But sometimes there's so much to say that not even silence covers the magnitude. I felt you were trying whereas I meant it. I know that eventually you are doing me a favour. You are well aware and always have been that you are not able to deliver what I'm seeking. I'm sorry for having put you in a constant state of not being able to meet my expectations. That must have hurt you a lot. But I couldn't help it. I didn't do it on purpose. It's just me. Don't feel insufficient. One day you'll be able to make someone very, very happy. It just won't be me. And that really breaks my heart into pieces. Over and over again. Right now I don't feel like my heart has been broken. Right now I feel like my heart breaks every single day of the week. Again and again. And again. You see, I can't even write this properly without wetting my eyes.

I am afraid as hell to see you again. And I know it will happen. It will happen a lot as we are both part of this town. But I'm scared shitless. Because I already know seeing you again - whenever it will happen - is going to bring me down, have me fall apart in front of your eyes. I can earnestly not remember anything that frightens me this much. The idea of meeting you weeks later, months later ... see you pretending to be happy, see me trying to convey the impression of being "over" you. When it's so clear that none of us is. You because you never really knew the feeling in the first place, and me because I will then know that I had the feeling - and lost it, or was robbed of it, deprived of it, mugged and held up with the prey being my heart and my love for you.

The good news is, I see a lot of good things in my life. They have always been there and can't be taken away from me. In light of that crying seems to be what is necessary and maybe prevalent now but it definitely won't be for good. It's just the let-go part that hurts so much. Let go. Let. Go. LET. GO.

I want to finish of by quoting my current facebook-status: the devil on my shoulder tells me to hate you, but I can't and I won't. Instead I'm trying to be grateful. I'm trying ...

Ion square, perspex wings
I breathe out, you breathe in
Permanent midnight
Our love, our love
How we've come to depend
On each other to the end
The space between us has disappeared
You finish my, you finish my words for me

I remember how it began
So many great days in a row
Barefoot on Bishopsgate
Trying to find Blake's grave
If we could stay like this in a silver foil
Trapped in amber for a life
Permanent midnight
Our love, our love

I carry your heart here with me
I carry it in my heart
I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart

Who said unbroken happiness
Is a bore, is a bore?
Who said it, my love? I don't mind it
Anymore, anymore
And I reach out a hand over
Your side of the bed
Pull that blanket over your shoulders
Exposed to the night
And the hunger of those early years
Will never return
But I don't mind, I don't mind
'Cause I love my mind
When I'm fucking you
Slowed down to a crawl
Years of crime and the bread line
Have not at all dimmed your shine
So let's stay in, let the sofa be our car
Let's stay in, let the TV be our stars
I found my dancing shoes but they don't fit
All the bright lights do is bore me
They bore me

I carry your heart here with me
I carry it in my heart
I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart

("Ion Square" / Bloc Party & E.E. Cummings)

I love you when you snore. To me, your snoring sounds like music. Sometimes. Like some melody by Radiohead. Sometimes I listen to you snoring. I giggle before I slap you gently, and you whisper your sheepish, full-of-dreams "'Tschuldigung." Two hours later, it's the same all over again. I love that. I love seeing you wake up in the morning, jumping out of bed, being late for work once again. You and your clothes scattered all over the place. I love watching you pick 'em up one by one, looking for your zigs, your cell and your glasses. The glasses that I keep from you while you wonder where they might be. Seconds before you fall desperate I make you look at me wearing your glasses. The smile you then have on your face is worth a decade. I love you getting out of bed after sex, standing all naked in front of the window. Not having a care in the world, blowing smoke from your nostrils. Watching the night pass by. I see you like in a painting that cannot be sold. I love to watch you dance, staggering around like some adolescent storc enjoying yourself all the way. You're gorgeous at heart. I love your face turning silent, so fully immersed in thought it makes me feel goosebumps all over my body. I love you when you entertain people, being the center of attention and I'm the rock behind you directing the spotlight onto you. I love it when you just are. The kind of person deep down inside you. I love your every febrile. Just love. In essence. Nothing else.

I just wish you'd love me remotely as much as I love you ...

Well, it's official. I'm a Drama Queen. I have this idiotic tendency to make a mole out of a mountainhill. Blow things up? Totally me. Exaggerate? Totally me. Fussing about for nothing? Totally me. I feel kind of embarrassed and don't know why I sometimes over-react. What is it, this force that makes me blow my top whenever I feel something's not right? My answer these days is: my penchant for drama is gonna make me rich some day. But the thing is, there's a difference between being dramatic on paper so as to come up with some narrative, and being dramatic in one's personal life. I seem to have some distortion as far as reality's concerned, seem to interpret things too much. I see things where there really is not that much to see. Weird anyway. I don't know what to make of this myself. All I know is that I've got to stop it seeing that I have offended a few people recently on account of this very special behaviour of mine. It's not a nice thing to be too rude with too many people, too much of an adult, too expecting. One can actually be too straightforward. There's a point when straightforwardness becomes nothing but offensive and insulting, and it hurts people. So, this is my fault. I'm not proud of it but I can't help it either. It's my parents who gave me this temper ;-)

Different issue. I'm encircled by a huge bunch of people who I really feel for and like a lot. I am happy about that. I am happy about the very fact that Graz has become the new Linz (by the way, I love those sayings, such as "X is the new Y" *gg). At any rate, even though there are these people, as of late I really feel a little stressed out keeping everybody satisfied in terms of spare time and partying and going for coffee and stuff. It's become too much. My day has only 24 hours to offer and I've got to go to uni. I take that seriously. I gotta work. I've got a boyfriend. I've got a flat to take care of and I've got to be on my own in between, too. But lately there's been way too less time for just ME. And the thing is that I turn really cross and stressed out whenever people tear at me though they mean no harm. But I lose that "me-feeling" as soon as I don't get the chance to actually spend some time with me & myself. And I love to spend time with myself. It's important to me and always has been. So there's changes to come, just some interim stuff so I'll feel a little less stressed out and little bit more like me ...

It's 2.30 pm. and I've basically lived off coffee & zigs for the entire day so far, which is not good I know. My stomache already tells me. But it's not just the lack in food that gets to me, it's the all-too-familiar issue of doubting. Once again, I don't know what to make of Georg. And I'm pretty much sick and tired of moping around and worrying and racking my brains why he is the person that he is, why he behaves in this or that way, why he says certain things or not. Bla bla bla. It's becoming really, really stale. Like an imbecile joke you've heard too many times.

The story goes like this. We haven't seen each other for a week because he had to manage things at work getting down from 40 hours per week to 30 so that he can engage in free-lance activities. Then he had to come up with a concept for a homepage and help Verenna design that cooking book. So, there's nothing wrong with that. There are times when you're occupied with work. I totally understand that from experience and am hence the last person to complain about things like these. I even told Georg that I'm proud of his first baby steps as a free-lance designer, which I really am. This is what he wanted and now it seems that things are finally getting some real edge. Which is awesome. I'm happy for him in that respect. However, when we went out for dinner yesterday there was one disappointment after the other. He was totally confused and dispersed which wouldn't make any difference seeing that this is who he is. I got to know him like that so it's become pretty much normal to me. But yesterday was even worse than usual. We passed by the restaurant several times before we found it - that's how befuddled he was. In the restaurant we had this awkward conversation about nothing. We were talking but not communicating. The whole thing was so stale and lifeless. I felt like being a nuisance to him. He was bullish, and inconsiderate, and utterly distanced. I felt like "Who the hell are you?" Every topic I tried to raise was instantly smashed to the wall so I really felt like he didn't have the slightest whiff of interest in what was going on in my life. One should assume that after a week of not seeing each other there'd be plenty of stuff to talk about. Nada here. And he was constantly evading my looking at him which made me realize that something's going on here, something uncanny. I asked him several times if something was the matter but he just said he was tired and full of work. Lame excuse. In the end, the waiter brought us unordered desert. One plate. Two forks. Which was so nice. Really attentive and helpful, I thought. Obviously, Georg thought differently about that. So I kind of had it and said that I wanted to get home right away. At first, Georg wanted to drive to his place alone and I really thought I didn't hear him correctly. So after I convinced him to join me he was totally hinting at going for a beer even though I didn't want to go anyplace anymore but home. Near Parkhouse he once again suggested going for a bear and that was it. "You do know that we've got a beer at home, too. But this isn't about me, right?" Of course, I was saying this in a sarcastic tone since I really heard just enough about that. I left him standing, heading straight home, regardless of what he might have thought - or not. Back home I was staring at my cell awaiting him to call but again: Nada! And now my belly aches because I'm really cross and unnerved. Something is wrong but he'd rather hack his hands than tell me what is wrong. And that sucks. It sucks that this guy can never say anything out loud. It's always me reading his mind, staggering in the dark woods. Sometimes I find my way but mostly I just hit my head on some fucking tree. But what am I? A psychic? Telepathically gifted? Definitely not. Nobody is. And to be perfectly honest, I have this very strong gut feeling that he is feeling guilty for something that I don't know yet. And at the same time I already know. He's just too yellow to tell me exactly because he knows very, very well how I'd respond. We've had that issue before and now he prefers playing me a fool instead of just blurting it out? Well, not with me.

You see, the point is that I am investing far more than he is. So there's this huge deficit on my part. A hole that keeps staring at me, yelling at me to get the hell out of here. I don't know why I didn't do it before. There's more things not working between us than there are things which are actually in our favour. Lacquan calls this the anamorphosis; when the real hits reality, when you stop seeing someone like you want him or her to be but instead see things how they really are. I think that's where I'm standing right now. The things that I see, and the things that really are without me seeing them. And what is different this time is that I'm no longer saying he ought to do this or that in order to get things back on track. He ought to do no more. I'm done expecting. I'm done waiting for whatever it is that I'm missing. I'm done. So done. This is not fair to me. It's eating on me and I don't need nobody eating on me. Really nobody. Because honestly I can do better on my own. I'm not saying that I'm gonna do something final. And I'm not waiting anymore. I'm just drawing up a balance here. Saying things the way they are. No more looking into an unknown future. Things are in the present even though I don't like this very present ...