Have I ever mentioned lately that I somewhat became this huge fan of classical music? Take Einaudi, Mansell or even in a more mainstream kinda way Tiersen or Glass ... I love those fellows. Especially listening to Ludovico Einaudi's pieces is peace at its very core. There is this one piece of music that lasts for over 20 minutes, nothing but the most beautiful piano tunes. It always makes me feel as though I'd be standing on this beach with my bare feet feeling the sand kernels underneath, the Pacific Ocean ebbing in front of me, waves going up and down, up and down, I close my eyes, stretch my hands and smell the sea, feel at ease as if being part of the four elements, not having a care in the world. Oltremare, that's what it is :-)

So I finally hit Linz again. Feels so comfortable to be here again. This is like home. I love Graz. But Linz is an entirely different story. I spent almost my entire life here. This is what I know best. This is what I feel for the most. I love walking the streets that have become second nature to me. I love walking at the Donaulände regardless of the season. The Danube, the Lentos, the pubs, the people. This is where I can rest my soul. The Roter Krebs, the Strom, the Stern, the Meier ... you name it. I think I will buy myself a condo here some years into the future. This is what I want to have as a centre irrespective of where life will take me. This is the place where I want to get back to whenever I feel like. Steel City, you rock my heart :-)

To the loved one out there: I appreciate the gesture. This is exactly what I meant by saying that I don't need any Hollywood stuff. The small things matter. This is as cute as it gets. Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face :-)

I am confused. And I'm not. I'm clear as light. And I'm not. I want so much. I have this longing deep down inside me. And at the same time I know so damn well: if things are meant to be I needn't pull my weight anyway. I know if things are meant to work out well, they will do so without my contribution, without me being this force again. I feel ashamed. I feel like this person that doesn't have any idea of what really matters. And at the same time, the gut feeling, the intuition is basically right. Things have once more been confirmed just on this very day. It was tangible. You could pull it from the air and stuff it up your throat. The bond is existent. There is this possibility in the air. I needn't ask myself whether or not, when and why. No reasons to pose any questions. The situation is kinda self-explanatory.

Looking at his face ... he is so godamn sexy. Call me crazy, but I think he is seriously getting sexier by the day. Or is it just my imagination? No. In a way, he is playing a game. And I am not sure what to make of this game, but I can't make out that I do not like this game. I do like being a part of this. The direction's right, I guess. It feels right from top to bottom. He feels right. He feels right. He makes me feel alright.

And I am not gonna ask myself whether ... the answer is right there. Maybe a little patience would help. Quoting someone else, time is an incredible thing, it helps in so many respects. There are people who believe in us, which is amazing.

The one thing, I cannot deny ... kissing, the idea of kissing ... I would be a very happy man ...

Cheeezuz, I haven't been listening to Radiohead's "No Surprises" in ages. This has been one of my favorite Yorke-songs for a long, long time, and it still is. Feels so damn good to listen to Thom's voice. The song is sad but cheerful at the same time, it's a song for hours which actually feel like the world's alright. As if there's nothing to worry.

There's a few things right now which make me really calm and balanced. First of, I have another of those waves washing through me where ideas pop up almost like on a daily basis. Two days ago I had this idea for writing a TV-show, something based on the idea of having a flat-share with students who are all way beyond the regular age, just like me, some thirty-somethings. I guess, you could make a hell of a show out of that. I got inspired when watching Six Feet Under from the outset (once again). Don't know why but I just slid in the disc and started watching the first few episodes of the very first season. God, how I love that show. It's the very best that has ever been aired on American television. It's the most skillful TV-show in my view. Everything's right. Script. Direction. Cast. Editing. Music. It always inspires me a great deal. So this idea of mine popped up. The thing is that I won't be pulling it through. It just got me to sit in front of my laptop and hammer out one page of TV-script. Haven't done that in ages and it felt like no time has passed. I just had to have that feeling again, that of creating characters on paper, dialogue, interaction, scene direction ... it was basically just an exercise in script formating, but it felt good, made me kind of sentimental, reminded me of all those years where I've basically been doing nothing else but work my hours at the office just in order to get back to my desk at home and write, write, write ... A few days ago I also read through certain passages of my play. Shit, this is quite something. The basic idea is good, the characters are thrilling and there's so much conflicting stuff. Right now I really don't have the proper mind to continue writing that play, but I have a hunch I will finish this play - one day. Come what may. It's got too much potential to just side-track it. What I want to say is the "feel to it" has of course gone kind of underground but it has never really vanished. It's just been kinda sedated, put to sleep but the creative monster is still lingering in its cave :-) and that is something I am very fond of. It's like this dweel that never really dries up. So who knows, maybe in February I'll find some time to carry on crafting that play. "Fleischmarkt 4:35," subtitle: Gute Menschen haben Sex. Böse ficken. I just love that, it's got that ring of powerful altercation implied. It sounds so mean and nasty. In short, it kinda echoes the content as precisely as it can get. I also re-read one of the core-scenes which is like "Hammer" as Maren would put it. Total asphyxiation. Total emotional suffocation brought on stage. This scene is like ... I don't even want to show it to anybody. People would probably consider me nuts. Having those three guys fucking each other's brains out till death do us part ... it just fits the pattern of in-yer-face theatre. It would be perfect for the Phönix Theatre in Linz. Perfectly suitable. So I'm still a writer, always have been. Now if that isn't a cheerful thought to enter the holidays, then I don't know what is *gg*

Okay, I shouldn't do that but I really want to it, reflect this utterly strange rollercoaster ride I've been on recently. Short-cut chronology: Saturday, Rosy - shit! Tuesday, Eschenlaube - grrreat! :-) While listening to Gustav's "Linzserenade" I just have to rewind over and over again. We had a great conversation. He said he was sorry for being totally high when we saw each other for the last time, the infamous "dark scene". I didn't even realize that back then. We were basically reminiscing about our Mur-incident, talking about Andi whom I had met for coffee just hours before I met Georg. We were scrutinizing each other's behaviour and the things that went wrong. And I knew there are busload of things that should've taken another turn. By God, I was such an incredible a-hole, all about me, me, me. Fulfill my wishes. Please my ego. Do what I want. Caress me, touch me, kiss me. In a way, we had a real blast dissecting each other, being like really psycho-analytical, doing the childhood stuff and whatnot. I swear to God, I was not drunk but still kept smiling all the time. The whole thing at the Eschenlaube was supposed to be drawing a balance - and of course we did - but it was so much more about the things that were not outspoken. I remember him repeating that things are as if nothing ever happened, as if we were meeting each other for the very first time. He said that over and over again and was smiling a lot. So was I. I told him about Maren and me going with the Wonder Wheel where I was so sick and felt like puking down on the people. I told him about the stupid youtube videos we were watching at the weekend before. He just laughed a lot. And this feeling watching him laugh was indiscribable. It was pure joy. It was like he really had a hard time keeping a straight face. He really tried to be serious in the beginning, like this is the end. But it so not worked for neither of us. I told him that I do not have any idea whatsoever what it was exactly that I wanted him to tell me. Sure as hell, I never expected him to give me the big three. I'm way too realistic for that. But really ... on Tuesday I did not know what it was that I wanted from him and I felt really ashamed. I showed him the one text message that made my heart light up so much and even before I could show him he said, he already knew which one it would be. I realized that he told me the cutest things on several occasions. I was just so godamn stupid or absorbed to realize it back then. But now I do realize it. He just has his very own ways of expressing emotions. But BY GOD he did it all the time and I was ... maybe my Mum's right ... I have a hard time letting someone love me ... it is really weird, because right now we both don't know what is going to happen. But I strongly felt that this was so not the end of things. We don't know what WE are right now and in a way this feels liberating. Not declaring every godamn piece of sheer being together. I think this will do us a world of good. Get the old year behind us and grow on each other once more in 2009. I am really happy for what happened on Tuesday. I was leading him to my place after our conversation. Cheeezuz, he showed me his new laptop, then we watched "American Dad" and "Grey's Anatomy" and things felt so dramatically at ease. I realized that I had been quite a burden to him sometimes because of my being all "important" and "sophisticated" and in being so, being really hard to take. Anyway, with the lights of ... this was heaven. At first, I was like so ashamed of getting undressed in front of him. I felt like 14 all over again. This was funny, funny, funny. It was basically like the zillionth time we undressed but this time it was like getting back to square one. He was like hugging me so much. I loved pressing my face towards his belly, sobbing but being relieved and happy. And the kissing was like the first time, too. It's so amazing how you can know somebody quite well but then after an interval of time, things feel so fresh again as if you never had those moments with that person before. Cheezuz. In the morning I had to get up really soon for that crap-nonsense-lecture so I had breakfast on my own and let Georg sleep a little longer. When I woke him up later he was sweet. Again the shy touching, the fleeting kisses, the good-byes ... what a gorgeous day it was is all I want to say. I will not look into the future. Whatever happens, happens anyway. I just relish that one day in time. And I'm grateful for that. The ups and downs are actually worth it. Life's the most exciting screenplay :-)

For now I don't wanna give away too much. I'm just saying that you never ever truly know what life's got in store for you. I'm confused, positively confused. And it feels damn good.

Right now I'm like so going through the motions. This week it was really feeling a lot easier for me to cope with being turned down and emotionally raped and then ... BOOM!!! it just takes one split second and I'm a mess all over again. Of course, I'm talking about the Rosy clubbing on Saturday. I was actually having ridiculous fun for the first few hours. I just love being right in the crowd and dance goofily, because honestly I don't care whether I look cool or stupid dancing it up. I just do it. Maren and I were invited for dinner beforehand and then had a real blast at Rosy. We were like entering the Postgarage, handing in our jackets and went straight for the dancefloor. She's georgeous and so much fun. However, at around 2 am Georg entered the scene and I was struck immediately. Of course, I knew that in all likelihood he'd be there but I was so not prepared for this surge of sentimentality and emotions. At first, he was acting as though he hadn't seen me. I was delivering the usual stupid things, saying awful things when all I wanted was to be a regular guy. But acting funny and charming totally backfired. We were both way too self-conscious. Anyway, when I later saw that guy chatting Georg up, touching him and getting ridiculously close to his face, I was on the verge of tears but eventually told myself that I would not cry in the middle of all those fake-fairies. I would refuse to have other people judge my mental state. I would not have people ask me whether I'm okay with all their fake consolation and stuff. But at that moment I was broken in halves. You could have scraped me from the floor right there. Funny enough, Georg really didn't seem to be interested in that guy, nor did he seem to be interested in anyone at all. I watched him numerous times (while I was dancing up on the platform hihi) and he appeared to be somewhat lost and not into the whole thing, which made me feel real pity for him. He was like this child turning up at a party of grown-ups, not knowing how to behave at all. I know it's not easy for him either, even though I'm suffering so much more than he is. He would have wanted things to turn out differently, too. I guess, in a way we are both hurt and disappointed and ... deeply confused.

The thing is, so much happened at this very weekend. I really don't know who I am. I don't know what to feel and how to get to grips. After the clubbing I wasn't sleeping for a single minute. I wrote two text messages to Georg and in the evening he called me. Absurdely, our phone conversation was totally relaxed and funny, as if we were talking for the very first time. And he decided to fulfill my last wish. Actually, we were to meet today but he postponed it till tomorrow. He even offered to come to my place, which is so nice of him. I mean, he really wouldn't have to do this one last thing for me. But still, he does. So we'll be seeing each other tomorrow. And hopefully, I will be able to make at least some sense out of it all. All I know already is that I will be missing him for a looong, long time. I will miss him so much that I really can't see how anyone could approach me right now and for the weeks to come. That's how big a mark he left on my soul and I'm saying this with positive feelings only. Because here's one more thing: people tell me to hate him, people tell me to kick his balls, people tell me weird things in order to cheer me up but the truth is ... I cannot and I will not hate him. I could never do that. Mission impossible. I am not capable of hating Georg. Instead, I'd rather cherish him in my very own ways ...

Cheezuz, I'm like so bored out of my mind. Recently I've been spending way too much time on the Internet, senselessly stalking whoever comes to my mind. This is crazy. Ok, in between I attend lectures and spend my time reading at the library but as soon as I arrive home, I really don't seem to be pulling my act together. I just download ten different remixes of Nightcrawlers, or stalk my stalker, or have "crank" conversations on Romeo. I found an interesting webblog-article about prostitution on Romeo with an incredible photo. I think I'll add it here.

Yesterday I saw this handsome guy at the lib - yeah, yeah, I know nothing new at all. But HE is new. And I'm 120 % sure he's in my field. He looks cute but not in an exaggerated fashion. He's got big eyes, Woody Allen glasses and wears funny clothes as though he tried to pretend to be some British New Wave rockstar. He's got unkempt hair and a weirdo beard, which is something that I'm so into, damnit *gg* There was another guy that Nina and I were admiring from afar. He fitted the pattern, and I eventually realized that there actually is a pattern. I like those dark-haired, somewhat scrawny wanna-be-indie rock guys who basically do not offer any clues as to their sexuality. I like that. None of the regular gay-guy-clichés ever appealed to me. On the contrary, it makes me bolt off instantly. Funny enough, he gave me a glance that was a little too long for just being an incidental glance, you know. Okay I might be interpreting something here, but on the other hand I do have a certain hunch that I might not be too solitary for too long a time. I just hope that he pleeeeaze does not study something run-of-the-mill. No law, pleaze. No medicine, pleaze. Be creative. And God damnit, be at the Postgarage tomorrow. Oh my God. I would so totally fuck that guy, or whatever comes first. I would even settle for a blowjob on the toilette - just kidding. Toilettes, not a good idea. Kinda reminds me of Georg. We were nasty, cheeezuz. We did it so often at some public space. I remember this one clubbing at the Kunsthaus where we fucked in the restroom. It was about 7 in the morning and we were the last guys in the building, except for those annoying bartenders trying to get us out of the toilette. Shit, we were so wasted. So godamn incredibly wasted. I can't even remember whether it was good or not. I just know that we did it. Can I have that part back pleaze? Just the fuck-part? I don't need the rest, buy hey fucking your brains out doesn't come along that often. There's too many guys out there pretending to be real sex machines and when it comes to brass tacks, they're basically boring and so not creative and so not inspiring. Funny thing, if Georg ever gets to read this, I'm like so busted and fucked. He would totally hate me for giving away something as private as this. But hey, I didn't mention any details, did I? Back to the indie guy, I want him. But something tells me that Daniel wants him, too. The two of them were like talking weird things. The good thing is that Daniel won't be at Rosy tomorrow so what are the odds? I'm smiling a dirty smile here ...

Alright then, anonymous commentator ... consider yourself challenged. Actually, it's fun not really being able to figure out who the hell you are. At first, I was totally sure who you are. Now that I've got to read some of your own entries here on "twoday," I am at a total loss of picking clues together. At first, I thought you were a man, talking about that girl that is now somewhat studying psych in Klagenfurt. Then the bi-issue emerged. So after going through the people that appear to be friends or something along these lines ... I'm clueless. There is actually nobody that would fit the pattern. But I like that kind of suspense. The only thing that is for sure is that you're from university studying roughly the same thing as I do. By the way, thanks for the tampon/lipstick gag ... that was hilarious.

Now to some serious business here ... today was quite a good day. I had one of my favourite lectures, ethics with Prof. Strasser who I almost admire for his sarcasm and aptitude. He's the entertainer type of prof. I really enjoy his lectures. After that I basically spent the entire day at the library, having a short break at home in order to eat. But the remaining time was spent reading Moshin Hamid and several research articles for my literary paper. Great topic. I love it. As far as the library goes, there are some guys, cheeezuz. Of course I will refrain from dropping any names but - cheeezuz. Handsome guys all over the place. Alright, there are a few freaks and nerds in between, the regular law and medicine guys - puke - but all told, it's really exciting to just sit right there and pretend that you're this totally immersed in this hugely interesting novel or whatever the pretext of sitting there is. I like the fact that there's always some acquainted faces, such as Evi, Nina and the likes.

Back to Saturday, I guess I'll be having a lot of fun - if only to follow the advice being given anonymously :-) no seriously, Rosy has been fun every single time since it is this gigantic cabarett which does not fail to entertain me, time and again. And it does exactly because I am so not part of the "community." This makes it really liberating to mingle among the walking clichés and contradictions. I'll be having a few vodkas with Christian, the hyper-intellectual Italian prof. I'll be having the promised beer with the other Christian. Funny enough, now that his so-called relationship has come to an awful end, he remembers having had friends. Anyway, I won't be dealing any foul cards to him. Oh, and Markus. He has already inquired about my presence at Rosy several times. So yes, I'll definitely not feel bored. What will come of it? The heck, I don't care. Actually, and I know this sounds kind of nasty, but I'll be doing some bathing in the limelight, just to boost my ego again. I guess, Maren will be accompanying me and it's always fun with her - even though she's got his tendency of being really addicted to me, not moving an inch away from me. I'll be pulling off the regular show and God knows how it will turn out. But honestly, in a way it would be nice to have the opportunity of taking somebody home. If only to decline the offer. I'm an a-hole, right? *gg* Oliver is going to be there as well. I guess, Andi, too. And of course, Georg, Andi & Ingo. I'd have a good mind to just talk to Ingo and ignore the other two but I probably won't and be polite all over again. The interesting part will pan out at around four or five in the morning when Georg - as usual - will have his level of booze and become all emotional and whoozy. I could bet my ass that he'd stalk me and that he'd try to kiss me and grab me and stuff. Being sober right now, I'd definitely forecast me telling him to back off and get the hell out of my view. But seeing that I probably won't be sober ... I have no idea of how I'd react. Maybe I'd get weak and we'd end up in bed. And what would come of that? Basically nothing because seriously ... yesterday when I was lying in bed wide awake I was for the first time ever feeling totally neutral towards Georg ... I didn't miss him and the thought of him wanting me again appeared to be kind of so not interesting. Anyway, stranger things have happened ... so maybe we'll hook up again, maybe we'll just have break-up sex or maybe nothing at all will happen, maybe I'll get to know someone entirely new, maybe, baby ... I don't know anything at all ...

But one thing's for sure: life's exciting again ...