Learning is complete & utter mindfuck. Right now I'm like what the hell do I need that to learn when I'll be pulling off my own thing later anyway?!? This semester it's really tough but I've got no-one to blame, it's me who took all these courses and seminars and lectures - and fuck you decently ... I really seem to be a little out of sorts with all the data and paper-writing on my mind. Cheeezuz!

Finally got my scholarship. Yessir. And I finally got round to make the bureaucratic stuff for the change to the bachelor/master curriculum. Still too many things to do even though I already cancelled one seminar. And I got this idea for a bachelor paper in literary studies, having a look at several utopias, such as 1984, Fahrenheit 451, Brave New World and stuff. Not quite original but highly interesting to me. Utopias & Dystopias. Yessir (again).

What else is there to say? Basically a lot. I look forward to seeing Mr. L again on Sat. I'm like this pathetically horny these days and as of late I seem to be egotistical enough to just pull off things like these. What with all the drastic learning I feel really entitled to some pleasure and chill-out time. Use people for my own desires. That's just it. No reason. No explaining. No construction of future in that respect. I'm like so into seeing that guy nude and basically jump his bones *gg* Some porn re-enactment ... on a side-note, yesterday while sitting in that social psychology lecture I was so bored out of my mind that I browsed through old text messages on my cell. Big mistake. Cause stupid me happened to have a look at one of the photographs of Georg. There is one that I cannot delete from my cell. Don't know why. I mean, quality-wise the pic is like really low-key but ... it's showing him, damnit. Kinda sentimentally flashed I also read the one text message that I kept. Big mistake, the sequel. Fortunately, I had another seminar right after social psych, so I had no mind to dig into the feeling of ... whateva it is. I don't wanna downplay it, but I'm somewhat Mr. Jekyll & Hyde. The major part in me really doesn't wanna see him again. Not now, not soon, not for the next 15 years, or so. The other part is uncertain about him. Not that I want to pick up the thread where we left it - no way. Didn't work out then, won't work out now. But still, there is a grain of "but" ... I don't know what it is, I'm fucking clueless here. And honestly, it pisses me off to have that ... thing, memory, recollection, emotion, feeling, self-pity, longing ... tell me ...

By the way, this is the maid speaking :-) quote Fairuza Balk in "Almost Famous" - she's hilarous ...

I want him to call me, damnit. But he's sleeping already and I'm just bored this very minute. The guy I made out on Saturday is like from a planet far, far away from mine. He's like the exact opposite from everything that I represent but in this case: it so not matters. Cause honestly, he's just hot stuff, muscled, bearded, sensual. The whole night on Sat was great. And for the first time being at Stargayte, I was like "I want that guy!" The only guy that was of any interest to me, and I got him. Normally, things don't work out the way I want'em to but this time it was plain sailing. Without me doing anything, basically. Just frequent eye contact. Dancing next to each other but pretending to not be interested. And then I took a break, sat down for a drink and there he was, finally chatting me up. I instantly told him that I had already given up hope, falling desperate at his shyness. Of course, I wasn't. This was like so hugely predictable. He paid me a drink, the usual bla, bla ... and then we hid in this somewhat gloomy corner. Some more bla, bla and then - action! At first, I was like Cheeezuz where did you learn kissing? Awful. But he swiftly adapted and, in the end, it was kinda good. But what is more, the touching of his hands, great work. He's got these really strong, masculine hands but did a fine job, literally. I kinda watched him while kissing and stuff and he just so smiled all the time, I thought hello stop falling in love or something. Don't need that right now. It's just physics, get real, buddy. After like two hours or so I got started to go but he didn't wanna let me go. He was almost blowing me right there which I was kinda into but ... no, this is too much of a cliché, having a blowjob in a gay bar. Sorry, I'm to aesthetic for that, nevermind the level of booze. So I acted kinda princess-like and got off, seeing that Maren, Christian and Andi wanted to go home, too. Mr. L (35) asked me for my phone number which at first I denied but eventually I gave in. The entire evening he was like so insecure and shy and really introverted but not in a psycho-lunatic-kinda sense. Charming is what he really was. Don't know, I seem to fall for that kinda behaviour. Fuck those yacka-di-yack guys constantly rabbitting on endlessly about the most boring stuff, talking but not really saying anything, really. Smoke & ashes. Mr. L was the opposite, which rendered him interesting. And yes, Roland didn't get Mr. L. This time it was me getting the prize. I know that sounds so shitty and haughty and whatnot - but it was fun and I don't care at all. So, Mr. L is gonna come over this week, driving for like an hour to get to Graz. But hell, if he wants it, he'll get it. I don't mind. As long as he doesn't bother me too much in a let's-see-where-this-will-lead-us kinda way. That's not an option here. Just physics. And academics. That's my January 2009 so far. I guess, it's a good starting point, a damn good one at that :-)

What a successful day. Just like yesterday. So after all, starting uni again wasn't as bad as expected, gladly. Today, one more session with Prof. Strasser, discussing utopias and dystopias. Great stuff. Then harrach-cafe, some cooking at home. Unfortunately, I fell asleep learning. Afterwards I wrote another four pages of my literary paper and then learned for the British Culture exam.

Having slept a few hours, I can say I'm on top again. In general, I feel really good and relaxed these days. It feels so fine to finally be free again. Be free of people that I consider a total waste of time, in retrospect. And I'm not talking about Aaron at all. No way. I'm talking about the unfortunate ones, the miserable ones fleeing from themselves and their index of insecurities, doing nothing but getting drunk day in and day out, the pathetic ones boozing it up so as not to deal with themselves, the ones despising their job and going for Vienna on the weekends, the ones being traumatized without any real reason. I can honestly say now with the respective distance ... I have no clue what it was that bonded us ... sexual attraction? yeah, and that's basically it. The miserable one never knew who I am, never developed a feeling for who he is, either. I pity that. No real content, no real aims, no real joy. The funny thing is he knows it, but he is incapable of doing something about it. A walking void is what he is. I'm at a total loss to understand how it was possible that I actually fell for such a loser-lamo. No basis, nothing to build upon. I should have used him for what he is good at: physicality. Every gay man in their right mind, even the ones with only half a brain would look at him and think "Good for a hot fuck, but that's it!" I can't believe that I distrusted my gut feeling to a point where it actually became transparent and thus entirely pathetic. He "consumed" me, knows nothing about giving and taking, no feeling for what a relationship could be all about. An egotistical person per se that has never really learned how to express himself truthfully and realize the essence of people surrounding him. Communication not existent. Mission impossible. Now I remember that last phone call which was the most audacious thing ever. To be such a self-righteous jerko thinking only about himself ... it's something I wouldn't believe, had I not heard it with my own ears. Un-be-liev-able. I am a happy man having got rid of him. I just hate him for the time he took away from me, time that I could actually have spent with someone reasonable and sensitive. But it's my fault. I was too stupid to realize. Anyway, this is over. So over.

And now to something completely different. I'm still overly grateful for having met Aaron. The story is over before it actually started, before the two of us actually took off. But he is such a special person that I'd have a hard time still being sad. I'm not sad. I feel privileged to have met him. It took him only a week to affect me more than others failed to do in half a year. This is no grudging against anyone, it is the way it feels. He was the glimpse into a future I embrace. He was what I wish for in a person spending a lifetime together. He was magnificent, pure beauty in every conceivable aspect. Apparently, Frantse rang with his emotions when I told him about Aaron. I don't know, maybe it was because of my account but it really touched him. I think he could see and most importantly feel who Aaron is. That's why he reacted that emotionally. Me too. He sent me plenty of text messages telling me how sad he is for me. And I had to appease him so as not to be sad for me. There is no reason to be. Some people leave a mark so tremendous it becomes reason to be merry and cheerful. Aaron is someone like that. Elisabeth, too, considered him to be peculiar on account of my telling her about him. The weirdest thing, people who don't know Aaron in person, are really touched. This is something so beautiful and tells you a lot about the power someone can have. I think we can all be like that, it just doesn't occur to the majority of us. Most of us are so consumed with feeling pseudo-alive by going out all the time, boozing it up, buying unnecessary stuff, having irrelevant relationships ... all things in order to feel less alone. When alone is all we all are (remember Kurt Cobain's "All Apologies"?) I guess, I know why Aaron prefers to be alone, and he is right. He is so right. I'm as alone as he is, in the most beautiful way. Shit, epiphany! That's why we bonded so strongly. Holy cow. That's it. Cheers, Aaron. Sleep well. Stay tight. Be good. See you in another life when we're both cats ;)

was ich dir gebe
gebe ich mir
was ich dir nicht gebe
nehme ich mir weg

wenn ich dich um mehr bitten würde
müste ich dir mehr geben
und mir bleibt schon nichts mehr

die grenzen, mit denen du mich siehst
erlauben es mir
mich zu sehen

dank mir nicht
für das
was ich dir gegeben habe
es ist mir gegeben worden
nur für dich


(thanx Frantse for sending me this)

"the sweet and the sour, the one doesn't go without the other" well, I remember Jason Lee saying that to his buddy Tom Cruise in "Vanilla Sky." And he's right, the most beautiful things gain their value only by also hurting a lot.

I am writing this after another night of weird sleep when my mind kept racing up and about with plenty of wake-ups and again I had a hard time falling asleep once more. I even changed the room and slept on Nina's couch because I couldn't stand the energy in my room. The entire room was full of ghosts and heavy thoughts. I just had to get away from that.

You see, I'm kinda bluesy here. I really wanna be cheerful but today I think it's not that easy to be the regular guy. I had the most amazing week. I had an awesome time. I felt like King of the World *gg* I met Aaron, I went out for dinner with Andi, we went for coffee, there was this splendid New Year's Eve, I finished off a few things for uni, there was this party of Nina's friends, I smoked a decent joint (forgive me), I watched films and Six Feet Under, we went to the movies ("Australia") etc. In a way, there was nothing special about this week but I felt great. I felt alive big time. I had this sense of foreboding, the new energy of 2009 taking hold of me, positively. But it all ended yesterday. The lucid dream of what could be ended. The bubble burst.

Aaron is the most beautiful person I have ever met. Beautiful on the inside as well as on the outside. He knew exactly who I am by just giving me this glance. Wow. Never ever have I experienced this intimacy that goes beyond words. Now I know that words, that talking is just a lame excuse for the things that really matter, the things that need no symbolic expression. I felt so comfortable and at ease. There was warmth, abundance, safety, understanding and kinship. Instantly. No need to get warm, no need to get to know each other, no need to tell each other the usual lies, present each other in a more broader limelight. It was the moment(s) that counted, that existed without explanation.

The things we talked about ... writing, the creative process, language and its limitations, emotions and what they lead us to do, philosophy and the absurdity of sheer being in the world, religious issues ... he was actually the first person to tell me something of which I had the impression I didn't know shit, but it was highly interesting. I had never been confronted with Jewish issues, Hebraic and stuff. I remember him saying that parts of Tel Aviv look like Döbling in Vienna. That was so funny. Which is another thing. His laughing made me feel like there is a reason that I am in this world. I was hooked on that instantly and tried to make him laugh as often as possible. I think it worked. With him I actually had the feeling that I'm a funny guy. A two-way addiction it was, because it was plain obvious that he felt about the same way. Exactly. We had these moments of "den Bullen suchen," as he'd put it. These stare-down moments we all know from western movies, but instead of pulling the gun, it was about who evaded the other one's look first. He came up with that kinda game. Of course, I lost over and over again. Too intense are those eyes of his. And his kisses? Pure heaven, no matter whether it's a Catholic or Jewish heaven :-)

In "Moonlight Mile" Jojo says that every person has their home embodied as another person. I know what Aaron was to me in that respect. What Aaron did was respect me, appreciate me, acknowledge me for precisely what I am. Without asking questions. Without searching for a Catch22. I have never experienced so much love in one person. To make things even more intense, he called me a wonderful person that gave the shitter he is a glimpse of what could be. That's roughly how he put it. He called me a treasure and a gifted person. Does anyone know what it feels like to have someone look you in the eye and say something like that, and mean it, absolutely mean it? He is pure, he is truthful and he by God meant that. It was the weirdest thing to realize that he was not kidding, not buttering me up but plain honest. Nobody ever did something like that for me.

So, I'm bluesy here. For having found and lost what could be. He said it himself and I'm happy for this honesty: he is a shitter. He is too afraid of what went on between the two of us. Again, it was not some formulae to get rid of me. It was just Aaron being honest and who he is. I'm grateful for that. We had an extensive phone call with plenty of long pauses, the kinda pauses that are the opposite of uncomfortable silences. Pauses that say so much more than words. We had that excessively. And my answer was, what I was really saying was that I needed time to consider friendship. Right now I am so insecure about being able to establish friendship with someone who is that close to me. Can you be soulmates and friends at the same time? Yes, I am well aware that I just used this word. Soulmates. Soul-twins. Something along these lines. It is possible. This wonderful guy is extending my horizon, the spiritual, the loving one, and I am forced to re-draw the lines. But in this case only, I am glad to be "forced."

Everyone should have this experience for at least once in their lives. To get to know an Aaron. They should actually make him a medicine, fill him off in bottles and sell it in drug stores. The world would be a much better place if each and every one of us had their very own Aaron. And if only it lasted for a week, it'd still be an eternity worthwile.

"I'm not mad at you, I'm just not ready."

Susan Sarandon in "Moonlight Mile." I feel so much like that character she's portraying in this film, this writer suffering from a writer's block, a dry alcoholic missing her dead daughter, sensing the truth about her daughter but being afraid to tell. Seeing the simple plane, we don't have that much in common. It's just her way of dealing that seems familiar.

Anyway, I had a great New Year's Eve. I was spending my time at Andi's flat. We were getting drunk as fast as it can get, and we planned on going to that party at the Postgarage. However, Andi persuaded me otherwise, so we ended up at the Stargayte, my least favourable locale. But ... it was fun, fun, fun. I was given a few looks, we danced it up, I met Michael, Lexi, Tommi and this priest-guy I dated months ago, plus a few other familiar faces. It was really great, not unique for a New Year's Eve, spending your time at a gay bar, but hugely funny nonetheless. I was having the best time but unfortunately Andi was already totally wasted so we went straight home to his place at around 4 am. Still, I lost my jacket and also dreaded to have lost my keys, too. My keys showed up, the jacket didn't. Funny thing that Andi and I were sharing a bed - again. But to me this is totally okay, seeing that we have become really good friends and can talk a lot. We were talking busloads of nonsense, plenty of fake-fliratious stuff ... point is: we had a blast. Probably one of the best New Year's Eves ever.

Another thing, and this is really gonna be a to-be-continued-story with hopefully plenty of sequels to follow: I met someone on Sunday. He chatted me up on the internet, wanted to know what my line was all about and I invited him over, that's how trustful I considered him to be. And I was not, so not disappointed. The line he caught upon was "a soulmate is this one person that forces you the most to grow and become your true self." He was totally into that and I was happy to explain that the line was stolen from Six Feet Under. And this is what we watched while having a few beers and zigs. I don't wanna sound corny or something but we really hit it off instantly. We were like talking for hours on end, not really watching the TV-screen. The images were just passing us by while we delved into each other. I talked a lot about myself, the usual stuff when it comes to meeting someone for the first time. I had the strong feeling he knew exactly what I was talking about. And I knew without further ado what he was talking about. I really don't want this to sound too struck with love or something but this was special in all kinds of ways.

His name is Aaron, by the way. He's 31 years old, he took a year off his studies in order to write a novel in Hebraic and he's about to finish his studies in philosophy (hello? philosophy, do I have to say anything else?!). He constantly looked me in the eyes while I was talking - and I was talking a lot. And I was kind of struck by his eyes, too. I guess, his were the warmest, most fundamental eyes I have had the pleasure to look into. There are not that many people out there who actually radiate with the most pleasurable stillness and warmth protruding from their every pore. But Aaron is one of those rare guys. He made me feel so comfortable. Amazing. Amazing. It's almost unfeasible to put into words. I have never experienced somebody like him. He's not special in the kinda way as Stefan was, or Martin, or Dimi or Georg, for that matter. He's like from an entirely different planet. He's like no-one I have ever had the chance to meet. He refuses to be put into any drawers. He's not from this world. And this is fact, not some teenie-magazine-crush-bullshit. Aaron is unbelievably sensitive. You can instantly feel that. But not in a hyper-sensitive sense, it's not phoney at all. It's genuine and austere and child-like at the same time. Anyhow, he keeps sending me text messages, and we've been on the phone for several times now. On Tuesday, he invited me over for coffee which then turned out to be some Persian special tea. Again, we were lingering on the couch, listening to each other. This is actually the first person in my life that really knows how to listen to somebody without having your ego interfere every once in a while. He's like so balanced, I'm in total awe of that. And here's the really sweet part: we were sitting on the couch, both cross-legged, directed towards each other and in the middle of us was this plate with this special sort of peanuts. He kept unfolding them and handing them to me, piece by piece. And every time he reached one piece to me, he made sure to touch my hand. This was like the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me. This gesture says it all. It says more than words could describe who Aaron is, what kind of soul he inhabits. Other people might think this is totally irrelevant or just stuff, but to me it was the most delightful thing someone I hardly know could do. Yesterday I sent him this text message saying "Happy New Year" in Hebraic, which is like "Shana Tova U'metuka." Calling him today, he was like totally mesmerized for my having found out what it means. I was just replying that Google is a marvellous thing :-) He laughed.

Ok, I admit. I have no idea how something like this is possible. I mean on Sunday I was fretting about Georg, and hours later everything between Georg and me was like ... blown away. So irrelevant. All my thoughts all of a sudden seemed to disperse into thin air. So now I'm outta love and kinda having a tiny crush, yes. I always thought this is some kind of contradiction. Now I know better :-)

Alright, this is for you only. Nevermind the few folks that will probably read this apart from you. It's for you.

I'm hurt. Once again. Feels like the zillionth time. I am like so hurt that for the entire journey on the train (Linz-Graz) I was like in a trance-like state. My mind racing up and down, forwards and backwards. I could almost hear myself thinking on the radio. I don't get it. How could you do something like that? The entire week in Linz was one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. I felt like really relaxed and peaceful. Met plenty of friends, had the usual coffee-house sessions, played games with Mum & Joe, the usual sessions at the Rother Krebs etc. The point is: you do well know that I read your status on Facebook. You do know that perfectly well. As much as I know that you read mine. It just so happens. So why did you have to let the entire world - and especially me - know that you had a thing with another guy? THIS HURTS A LOT. I know that, technically, we are no longer together. Which basically means both of us can do whatever we want to. But why did you tell it out in public? You knew exactly that I would be devastated. And you know why. It's the most simple thing in the world. Godamnit, I am still in love with you. Not in a "you are mr. right & perfect"-kind of way, not in a Cindarella-way that I was ever asking myself whether we'd be together for good or not. You know which kind of love I'm talking about. I was really believing in this thing between you and me, regardless of how far it would take us. And then you're doing this other kind of thing?!? What am I supposed to feel like right now? Tell me, because I don't know. I have no clue at all ...

What makes this kind of behaviour even more confusing is that exactly a week ago you did the opposite thing, posting this picture on Facebook which put a really huge smile on my face. Call me an idiot, but this was as romantic as it gets - in a digital-age-kind of sense. I mean, this pic was for me, right? Honestly, I didn't have any doubt that it really was for me. But now? Yeah, maybe I was totally mislead and mistaken in the first place. I was really dumped having lost my cell phone in Linz, because the only thing I wanted to do was send you back some sort of photograph. I hated myself for losing that cell phone. I wanted to take a picture doing the exact same thing as you did. I went to like ten drug stores, trying to find a similar lighter, similar to the one you used in your pic. I was raising hell on earth to get back my cell phone. And on Christmas Eve, having got back the damn phone, I did exactly what I had wanted to do all the days before. Hey, I know this is not something huge, not some weirdo Hollywood-stuff, but still ... I really thought this is quite something. But just a few days later you like pull out the largest kitchen knife you can find and ram it up my stomach. What are you trying to prove here? That you can have other guys whenever you want to? That you are the most independent guy on the planet? That you are this hot male chick being admired by other guys? Or were you just proving something to me? I really gave it a long thought and the point is: I am not the type of guy that needs to be made jealous. Making out with guys is one thing, but telling me (indirectly) is another thing. There really is no reason to do something like that to me. That's not something I deserve, not anyone, for that matter. I was really hoping that you would at least respect me enough to not pull off such a thing. Conversely, I would never do something like that to you. Never. Ever. And you know what? I refuse to believe in what this one guy says - and we both know who I'm talking about. This guy constantly telling me that you are as cold as ice and keep doing the same thing no matter who the guy you're with is. I refuse to listen to that special friend of ours. Because I do NOT believe that you are like this. Not at all. This "friend" is an idiot. You are not.

I remember you saying, you were like reading my blog so as to know whether I'd be truthful to you or not, emotionally. So here's another truth. I guess, I have to spill it all out now :-) When I wrote on Facebook that I was not thinking about anything ... this was not in order to hurt you, because you wrote you were thinking about past romances. My line had nothing to do with you. I was just so relieved on that very day to, for once, not think about US. No insult intended, really. It was that feeling of being in Linz again, leading a different life compared to that in Graz. I was relieved. It was not directed against you.

And here's the ultimate truth: since we broke up I had my share of crying because of you. To me, this feels like natural, having invested plenty of emotions and stuff. But when we met like three weeks after that ... the thing in the Eschenlaube kind of changed my attitude entirely. Before that I was certain we'd be off and this is it. Period. After the Eschenlaube I had this glimpse of hope flashing above my head. There was this sense of possibility in the air. We talked our share and you kept saying that, to you, it felt like nothing had happened, as if everything was alright again. We were like having fun, smiling again all of a sudden. The whole dullness and heavy emotions was like gone. Erase & rewind. It felt totally uplifting. I mean, hello? You even slept at my place. Now please don't tell me that this is totally regular. I for one would never ever sleep at a guy's place for who I do not feel the slightest whiff. And you wouldn't either. Again, call me an idiot, but when we met a few days before X-mas at the Ritter ... it was pretty easy, too. For the most part, I just wanted to listen to your stories, because believe it or not I love listening to you. You are like so funny, and you're the funniest whenever you don't try to be. In my view, that is so you. I love that. In some strange sort of way, you are the anti-material to me. Both of us couldn't be any more different, even contradictory at times, but this is it. When I'm with you I feel more alive, less heady and stubborn. The thing is, I really had this hope of maybe in some way there'd still be a chance for us. I had no idea what this sequel-us would look like. I refused to look in a future that would be too distant. I just loved this feeling of "here & now" - and I felt that you felt roughly the same. There was still something going on between the two of us. You could have pulled it from the air. You could almost touch it. Of that I'm certain.

I just wish you would open that last door. Not for me only, but most importantly for yourself. How can you know what really is behind that very last door when you never give it a try? There's no need to open it wide and instantly. Just a few inches here and there, a few rays of light coming out behind of it ... I think that would be worth it, and exciting on top of that. And you know what? No matter what you think about me right now, I'm sure as hell that whatever may be behind that last door, makes somebody very, very happy. I just wish this "somebody" could be me. But that is for you to decide.

You are my person (remember "Grey's"?),
and I love you dearly.

I would give my left kidney for you
(and I know that sounds funny, but I would)

Always,
Love.

I wanna be with you

shit, I'm sad. for once, I don't wanna leave Linz. The only thing waiting for me in Graz ... is work, work, work. fuck that. and: I miss, I miss, I miss ... it's just part & parcel of my everyday routine. I miss - and it sucks. obviously, the missing part doesn't give a rat's ass. and that sucks.

M misses G
G misses M?

These were some of the most relaxed holidays since ... I don't know when. It all started very comfy and it ends even comfier.

On Sunday before X-mas I took the train to Linz and was (as usual) warmly welcomed. We instantly hit a coffee-house and talked for hours on end. Later we got home to my Mum's flat, watched "Ice Age" and doubled up laughing. On Monday I was in town meeting Andi, Ingo and the likes. In the evening, again, I went out with Andi. We had a decent talk about regular stuff, poked fun at various people and just had a good time, I guess. I showed him the "Walker" and the "Stern" - two of my favourite cafés here in Linz. Then, on Tuesday the big drama: on my way to my hairdresser, stupid me lost his cell phone again. It was on the bus but ...

... to be continued ...